FRONTIER JUSTICE, Roman Numeral 19 Addition
— In the wake of America’s precious medals haul in snowboarding, Our Dopey Media can’t resist a smirk when relating information about the winter games’ newest addition, or its righteously stoked athletes.
At the same time, NBC has chosen a format for its Olympic coverage obviously skewed towards an audience that’s no stranger to the curious colloquialisms spouted by US snowboarders in next- morning interviews with that fraudulent hipster Matt Lauer. Indeed, with fast cutting and flashy editing, informational dropins featuring backing music by current alternative heroes, and whizbang on-screen graphics akin to ESPN2’s X-Games, NBC should be happy, as these early snowboarding victories dovetail nicely with its youth-oriented brand positioning.
And yet, you still get morning hack Katie Couric flailing on a snowboard with Jeff Burton, as if whispering to cornbread America: “Look how silly all of this is.”
After Kelly Clark took home America’s first gold medal, hooting and hollering ensued about her headphones playing Blink-182 as she tore up the halfpipe. Well what’s the big deal, NBC? She’s 18, it helps her pull off sick moves you can’t even watch without cringing, and besides, you booked Smashmouth, Dave Matthews Band, and Foo Fighters to play your medal ceremonies. Remind me again who your target audience is? I thought so. There’s a reason curling is relegated to C-NBC.
And what about those medal ceremonies, anyway? The nightly event seems like a re-tooled version of the ceremonial finale at the end of Star Wars, when Luke, Han, and Chewy receive their medals of heroism from Princess Lea. As glacial blue mist swirls in the air, vaguely humanoid female handlers lead the bewildered athletes – still wearing their battle uniforms – onto a platform, at which point a woman dressed like galactic senator Orn Free Taa glides onstage to present the medals. In the background, a disembodied female voice coos in French and Japanese, lending a otherworldly Blade Runner feel to the whole operation.
I keep expecting Admiral Acabar to hobble out from stage left and begin a briefing on the impending Death Star attack.
— Overall, barring incessant yacking by moronic analysts (not even including bald goblin Scott Hamilton), NBC’s coverage of the XIX Winter Games has been satisfactory. After all, we already knew that Couric, Lauer, and suave dwarf Bob Costas were a bunch of squares. And at least there’s no way Bill Walton can horn on the Winter Games. So too much cynical yapping about the media coverage of this year’s games is wrong.
Instead, Glorious Noise will save said yapping in a large mason jar, and use it when Danny Kass arrives on the cover of HIGH TIMES in about two months.