Hey Yoshimi, Battle This…
More white lies from the Detroit duo uncovered.
The White Stripes seem to invite conspiracy theories. From misleading statements regarding their relationship to ill-advised promotional agreements with Japanese automobile manufacturers, Jack and Meg White tend to cause a stir. Where there’s smoke there’s fire and if the White Stripes are involved you can bet Glorious Noise will get to the bottom of it.
Perusing the Web last I week I came across a site that claims to uncover yet another White Stripes conspiracy. One so devious and bizarre it could be taken as a hoax until you dig deeper and look at the clues. The White Stripes Conspiracy Reader suggests that the Stripes have constructed an elaborate scheme to hoodwink fans and cover up a rock and roll tragedy as heartbreaking as the Beatles’ failed attempt to hide Paul McCartney’s death in the 1960s. In fact, this story bears eerie similarities in that Meg White was actually killed in a car accident and replaced, not by a look-alike, but a robot!
Glorious Noise contacted the owner of the Reader, one Wilhelmina Wonka, and discussed this latest conspiracy. The interview, though evasive at times, sheds new light on the workings of the White Stripes and the fear Jack White can instill in honest, hard working people.
GLONO: These are truly disturbing developments. Do you fear for your safety?
Wonka: Jack seems like a gentleman; I’m not losing any sleep. But, I am a little afraid that you will put my birth certificate online in the name of cracking my secret identity and spreading the truth.
Immediately, Wonka deflects any questions that may raise Jack White’s dander and tries to establish a kinship with him by referencing GLONO’s controversial posting of his marriage license and certificate of divorce. The fear is palpable and we wonder if Wonka has in fact been threatened by the notoriously violent Jack White.
GLONO:Has anyone from the White Stripes organization contacted you?
Cagey, but not very convincing. The secret of any good interview is to put your subject at ease. I quickly redirect the conversation to the facts.
GLONO:How did you discover the conspiracy?
Wonka:It came to me like a lightning bolt. Like an epiphany.
GLONO:What do you think is the purpose? Is Jack up to something more than just writing and recording? Is something more sinister afoot?
Wonka:I suppose the purpose would be to keep the band together. Jack did what he had to do. Besides, robots do not necessarily have to be evil. I think you’re projecting. I’ve never met her, but I’ve heard Megbot is quite sweet. I bet Jack is up to a lot of things, but I can’t believe they’re sinister.
And so it seems our source has been corrupted. What is Wonka talking about? Of course robots are evil! And why else would Jack White have a robot drummer but for sinister purposes? I decided to try to expose Wonka for the mis-information propagandist that he/she is by asking direct questions on undisputable facts.
GLONO:I’ve heard that robots are powered by human brains, much like zombies. Does the MegBot eat human brains? If so, what race does she like to eat best?
Wonka:I’ve never heard that. Megbot seems to be a gas/electric hybrid. Again, I think perhaps you’re letting some latent childhood trauma cloud your judgment. What was it, a bad experience at Chuck E. Cheese? You can tell me. I won’t laugh. It might help to say it out loud.
Wonka again tries to turn the tables and direct the questioning to me. But the question remains, if the MegBot is not evil, then what else could it be for? Perhaps to lead the youth of America into the lustful tar pits of robot love?
GLONO:Does the MegBot do anything besides drum?
Reeeeaaaally? Logic dictates that if a robot has nothing to hide then it will not feel shame. Why would a robot blush? What is the MegBot hiding? More importantly, why does it sit silently by as its brother/ex-husband/master sways the crowd with baby talk and swilly blues riffs? Given recent events, we can assume certain affiliations between Jack White and his evil robot.
GLONO:Is this at all related to terrorist activity?
Wonka:That’s ridiculous. You really are afraid of robots aren’t you?
GLONO:Are the Strokes part of this?
Wonka:I don’t have any evidence to suggest that they are connected in any way. When it comes to secrets, the fewer people who know the truth the better. I believe Jack acted alone, although Meg’s family must know.
The Strokes revealed? Finally, a crack in the story. When it comes to secrets, three people can keep it if two are dead. But what if one is a pasty guitar hypnotist, another one is dead and has been replaced with a robot, and the last one is a New York darling band?! The relationship between the Strokes and White Stripes is well known. It’s as close an association as Adolf and Benito, Osama and Saddam, or Arnold and Willis.
GLONO:Is Julian Casablancas a robot!?
Wonka:While the notion that all our favorite artists could be robots is a seductive one, I think that is pretty implausible.
Implausible but not impossible. GLONO is now in the process of tracking down the Strokes to assess the possibility of they’re being robots. Stay tuned to this site for updates.
I had one more question to satisfy my own personal curiosity. Wonka was evasive as expected.
GLONO:How did they make the MegBot’s boobs look so real? I mean, why can’t they apply that technology to strippers? Or are strippers actually inferior robots!?
Wonka:Well, I did speculate that Jack made a pact with the devil at the crossroads. I don’t think that’s for everyone though.
Photos of Meg and the Strokes via the Robot Group…