The Glorious Noise compound was alive with laughter after the 45th Annual Grammy Awards concluded last Sunday night. Sure, this year’s show featured numerous artists who made the big decision to actually sing, which is a real milestone, since it happens so rarely anymore. And performances from Eminem, Kid Rock, Sheryl Crow, James Taylor, and Yo Yo Ma were entertaining for different reasons. But in the end, it was just another howler of an award show, and it deserves to be eviscerated. Yes, of course it’s an easy target. But so is MTV’s John Norris. And you don’t see Glorious Noise making fun of that corpse-like fancypants, do you?
What follows then is a quick rundown of this year’s show. Fred Durst is in aggreeance with Glorious Noise that it sucked, and Peace is cool, or something.
• Norah Jones tore the shit up, I think she won in each category she was nominated in, including Record and Album of the Year (I think; I get confused as to which is which). Her performance of “Don’t Know Why” was pleasant, and she seems very nice, but I still don’t understand why this girl is the bees knees.
• Avril Lavigne came off like the spoiled, precocious Canadian teenager that she is, both before the show on MTV and during it, when her peformance of “Sk8tr Boi” was worthless and weak. She’s not even that hot.
• Faith Hill sang out of her range and beat her chest in a creepy, Celine-like quest for legitimacy outside of Nashville.
• Nelly’s performance of “Hot in Herre” was boring, and it featured that guy with the mask in his crew, the same guy from the AMAs, and I STILL haven’t heard an explanation about that.
• When Eminem accepted his first award, he arrived on stage with, like, 65 black dudes in track suits. Then, in lieu of a thank you list, he thanked all the MCs who’ve ever influenced him. Kind of classy, but with all those black guys around him, was he trying just a bit too hard to BE black? He doesn’t need to, as his talent is great as is, no matter what color he is. His performance of “Lose Yourself” – still 2002’s best single – with the Roots was totally awesome.
• John Mayer played “Wonderland” on his guitar; somewhere Dave Matthews dropped his drink and swore “They’ve replaced me!”
• Pop pap pianist and Stephan Jenkins-dater Vanessa Carlton came off like a spoiled little bitch. “I’m at the Grammys, na na na boo boo.” Go back to
Julliard, and stop trying to turn pop music into a high school talent show.
• Instead of placing enormous stereo equipment outside Saddam’s mansion, as we did during the ouster of Noriega in Panama, we should send Robin Williams to Iraq with one mic and a PA. His incessant yapping and inane impersonations will no doubt drive Saddam Hussein to strap himself to a giant ‘ACME’ rocket and light the fuse.
• For some reason the guys in Godsmack kept getting the reaction shot camera put on them out in the audience.
• Springsteen’s “Rising” performance was good, but he still has too many people in that band, and there’s no need for he, Patty Scialfa, and Little Steven to all sing into the same microphone when there are good ones for each of them. Stop pretending it’s 1973 and you’re trying to fit 15 people onto a tiny stage with one mic at a club somewhere in the swamps of Jersey..
• Erykha Badu’s afro was so huge, that it actually looked fake. Don’t get me wrong – I’m a fan of afros. But hers was so huge, and so symmetrical, that it lookedlike an afro wig. Which is a problem, because afro wigs have become such a gag for sports fans and white trash and The Afros, that when you actually HAVE an afro that big, it just ends up being funny.
• I’m not sure about Coldplay. They have a sold-out American tour, everyone loves their boring second album, they won Best Band at the 2003 Brit Awards, at the Grammys they performed with New York’s Philharmonic orchestra. It looked to me like Chris Martin was only playing two notes the whole time, but his hands were obstructed by his Geoffrey Rush-like spasms during the song’s crescendo. Philharmonic? Paltrow? Be careful, boys.
• Dave Grohl, Elvis Costello, Bruce Springsteen, Little Steven, and Tony Kanal did a blaze-up version of “London Calling” during a tribute to Joe Strummer. It was better than you might think. Grohl sang lead, and each guy got to handle one of those “Engines stop running” couplets. But what was weird was the multi-media display behind them, which was showing military stuff, Union Jacks, American Flags, and London itself. And I swear Bruce said something about Saddam during his time on the mic. I hope they didn’t try to change what would have been a nice tribute to Strummer (and a great way to sell a bunch of Clash albums to Avril Levigne fans) into some kind of statement on the coming Apocalypse.
• N Sync did a spectacular a capella medley of Bee Gees hits. They’re still gay.