The OC: Noze Graze

Summer's certainly enamoredNewport’s own Bait Shop is the only rock club in America owned and operated by a legally emancipated, bisexual 18-year old. Built out of the old engine room set from “SeaQuest DSV” – Girders! Rungs! Catwalks! Steam! – and featuring a full bar that nevertheless only serves carbonated water and juice, the Bait Shop brings live music to the shores of the Pacific every night of the week. From national acts to local fathers who forgot their wives’ anniversaries, there’s always something happening at Orange County’s coolest club. The Bait Shop – It’s off the Hook!

Thursday, February 3rd – RACHAEL YAMAGATA – Yamagata’s 2004 LP Happenstance was hailed by critics for its dusky elegance, as well as an accessibility that nevertheless challenged the listener. Don’t miss out as Yamagata and her trio bring music to life on the Bait Shop stage. Sweet Surrender, Me & a Gun open; all ages; doors at 8pm; $12

Friday, February 4th – INLAND STREET THUG – Make sure you’re up in the BS for the debut of this local clutch of bashers. Though he’s the group’s vocalist, it’s what IST frontman Caged Animal doesn’t say that’s important. A menacing presence on stage and always a threat to eat the hearts of children (or impregnate pretty Latinas from the rough side of town), Caged Animal and his henchmen cut a trail of post-hardcore destruction from the Bait Shop pier to the center of the Inland Empire. All ages; doors at 8pm; $5


It’s only a matter of time until Seth yells that infamous Partnership for a Drug Free America line at Sanford Cohen, revealed only after he made the TV Dad leaderboard as being a weed head who likes kicking back with tequila and firebombing, full-figured hippie radicals. From the moment Sandy wavered on telling Kirsten about Rebecca, you knew the episode’s cliffhanger would be Kirsten’s discovery of said wool pull. Now that it’s happened there’s obviously trouble in Cohen paradise, though I don’t foresee a divorce, since the only available hookup for Kirsten is Jimmy, and they wrote his ass outta the show. Then again, she could technically make a move on Chino…

The comic book story arc remains a contentious one amongst the “OC” faithful. But now that Seth, Zach, and Summer’s little project has a backer in League of Extraordinary Gentlemen and Tom Strong publisher WildStorm (thereby baiting even more ire from types who think comic geek namedropping is worse an offense than indie music hipsterdom), the storyline isn’t going to die. And what about those drawings of Seth’s? Everyone who sees them is transfixed. Alex even suggests offhandedly that a Seth original on her wall will be worth loads of cash on E-Bay in the future. Summer’s certainly enamored. She’s blown away when Seth sketches her face in a chicken arm’d jiffy, and her vinyl outfit crinkles and cracks as sexual tension oozes from her pores. Yow! Those are some powerful sketches. Better than the powers Seth will inevitably give himself is his rendering of the Doe Eyed Fawn – Cosmo Girl, who never leaves HQ without her trusty magic flask. Reset: “Ew, you smell like Marissa!”

It’s aggravating that Sandy didn’t tell Kirsten about Rebecca. But it’s doubly aggravating that Max, Sandy’s esteemed Stanford law professor, turns into a helpless worrywart when it comes to clearing his estranged daughter’s name. How is this guy Sandy’s mentor? I know he’s sick, but motherfucker’s gotta remember SOMETHING about a-lawyerin’. He looks up at Sandy with water-rimmed eyes, simpering and whining about what’ll happen to Rebecca. It’s a turnaround on par with Janine Turner in Cliffhanger, who went from tough and confident mountain guide to Sly Stallone arm candy in the space of one run-in with Lithgow’s shitty villain accent. Note to Professor Max: Don’t just show up in Sandy’s life with a lit stick of dynamite and drop it on his foot.

Now that Kirsten knows about Rebecca and the Fugitive from Justice Changing Room located in the back of Sandy’s surf shop law office, I’m sure that that crazy heavyweight hippie’s name’ll be cleared toot suite. It’s a setup for something else, this shady past of Sanford’s; I just don’t know what yet. Maybe it’s time for Newport to try and withstand a surgical strike from Television’s Ultimate Weapon, Heather Locklear.

Not only did the White Devil christen Chino with an even better nickname, but he also says of the Inland Street Thug matter-of-factly: “I still question his motives.” Polite dinner conversation between Cal and the Firecracker re: their shared love of Brahms turns ugly when the Devil throws accusations and insults toward his legitimate daughter’s adopted son. Chino steps to Cal with teeth clenched and IST’s single “Fist in Face” pulsing through his temples, but before he can start throwing ‘bows the White Devil has a classic soap opera, grab-my-chest-and-wince heart attack. The Cohens and Lindsay repair to the hospital waiting room, and in a moment of zen Caleb realizes the errors of his ways. Supposedly. Let’s hope the mild angina doesn’t permanently turn on the White Devil’s heartlight, ’cause the “OC”‘s running out of mean people now that Ryan’s settling down.

Settling in are Alex and Marissa. They both know the Fawn is a few ropes of drool away from the nuthouse, but in the meantime they’re going to get their licks. Rachael Yamagata’s performance leads to hand-holding at the Bait Shop, and the breathless previews for next week implore us not to miss the “last five minutes.” Kissing on the Ferris wheel, same sex style? We’ll see. When and if Alex and Marissa do hook up, it’ll probably be a little awkward. They should probably buy some weed from Sandy, just in case.


Photo courtesy of The OC Files. Be sure to catch up on all of the previous Glorious Noise OC coverage.

33 thoughts on “The OC: Noze Graze”

  1. Hmmmm..

    “Full Figured”? “Heavyweight”? Wow. I didn’t know all women were supposed to resemble clothes hangers.

    Kim Delaney is far from full figured. She’s older therefore yes her face is a bit fuller, but unless we were watching two different shows, from the neck down she was pretty normal if you ask me. Not “full figured”. And even if she was, who cares?

    That was just kinda uncool man because it came off negative.

  2. Jeez, JL, I agree. While otherwise intriguingly crafted, as always,your article exudes a definite sentiment that Delaney’s a total heiffer. I’m mildly shocked!

  3. Well, you’ve got to admit: compared to the ever-evaporating women of Newport Beach, she’s the largest lady in town. Or maybe it’s just her baggy hippie clothes…

    Not saying it’s right, but that’s just how it is in the OC.

  4. This episode would have been a TV classic if Chino had put the beatdown on the White Devil. People would have talked about it for ages. And think of ther storyline: Cal gets a humiliating asskicking, which causes him to reevaluate his role in the family; Chino revisits what used to make him an intriguing character on the show with his instinctive violence; the Cohens wonder if Chino is still a bad apple and can he ever be “saved?” Damn, amn. Misses opportunity.

  5. Johnny Loftus, you know I have nothing but mad respect for you, but I have to chime in with the ladies here. Just because it’s the easy joke doesn’t mean that you should go for it, nor does Kim Delaney look particularly large to me, although in the last scene when Kristen busted her out she looked large by comparison. Kristen is shrinking, and I am worried.

    ALSO: I will suckerpunch the first person who comments that “bitches are all probably mad about it cause they’re fat too.” That is always what these internets conversations seem to devolve into. Why is that?


  6. Ummm, ladies, she’s a total fat cow in general, standing next to Kirsten has nothing to do with it…personally, I think Loftus was just stating the facts. Seriously, Charli, “pretty normal”, “not full figured”, are you kidding me??? No, really are you?

  7. Hey Alias, are you a complete jackass? You must be to call ANY woman a fat cow.

    How about I call you a neanderthal? Or a pig? Because that’s exactly what you are for saying that.

    And Jake, yeah by Hollywood’s standards these days she’s “big”. And it’s NOT right. And all the young anorexic girls who find themselves in hospitals trying to attain that perfect “clothes-hanger” look have the jerks in suits at the helm of film and television companies to thank. Sinc after all they’re the ones to thank when they refuse a 5’6, 120 lb female for a part by telling her she needs to lose ten lbs.

    Crap like this really truly pisses me off.

    Sorry Johnny, but you raised my ire with this one.

  8. OK. mostly I’m totally confused at this point as to whether Alias is a man or a woman.

    And though I’d go more for “haggard” rather than “full-figured,” Ms. Delaney has gone downhill considerably since her early days at NYPD Blue when 14 year-old dieblucasdie had an enormous crush on her. But her, I’d rather have her that way than have tons of plastic surgery.

  9. Come on, Delaney is way past ripe. Whether it’s her leather face, spackled make-up job, lions mane or hidden-by-camera-angles-frump of a gravity ridden bod, she’s no longer a looker.

    For a show that puts eye candy in every shot, you would think that they would sell Sandy’s potential temptress as someone who at least looks better than the hage that played Chino’s momma on the first season.

    I think chics take the fact of other chix bod flab or lack of flab too personally. I’ve been round many a dude gathering in my day and I’ve never heard any manly men crying over the fact that Ty Digs is too much of a physical specimine for them to live up to.

  10. Ty Digs is WAY past his prime. He’s almost as fat as that Pete Doherty. Talk about a heffer… Oh wait, wrong thread.

    Also, I’ve met JL, and he’s not sexIst, he’s SexY. Fine line, but true.

  11. This article is always great. That lady is a cow. And I can’t believe that you can’t call a woman a cow anymore without people crapping their pants. She is big, she isn’t in the ballpark with kirsten or julie cooper, and we as fans of sandy, would like to see him cheat on his wife with someone hotter.

    This just makes sense.

    And seriously, to all the fat people out there, quit eating so damn much.

  12. I don’t see what is wrong with the term ‘full figured’. I happen to envision curves and boobies and all the things I personally love about my own body. This up-in-arms attitude is ridiculous. Why not get all worked up about the negative term ‘hippie’? I’m sure more than a few of the glonosiers have had a toke or 5,000…

  13. Full figured?

    I don’t think anyone is worked up over the term. The OC is television’s shallow end at it’s best. When I tune in each week I expect hotties. skinny chix. Young chix. Older chix who are mutilating themselves to look young.

    If I wanted full figured I’d go Net Flix a copy of Shallow Hal.

  14. See Scotty? That’s what I mean. When did ‘full figured’ (a compliment back in the day, okay the days of Doris Day, but still) become a ‘Shallow Hal’-esque morbidly obese descriptor?

  15. Thank you Amy, seriously, what the hells the big deal. Im 26, skinny white man, you can call me scrawny, beanpole, whitey, whitebread, cracker, or cracker-ass-cracker. I don’t want to live in a world where I can’t call star jones “fugly”. Next thing you know, I can’t call wesley snipes “black”.

  16. Why? Do you walk around all the time yelling, “That Wesley Snipes is Black!!”

    Waaaaaahhhh things are so PC waaaaahhh I can’t be an enormous dick anymore waaaaahhhh.

  17. One commonality between being black and obese (in America, anyway): statistically shorter life span.

    God bless the U.S.A.

    U.S.A! U.S.A!


  18. Not that I need to weigh (HA! DO YOU GET IT? “WEIGH?”) in on this anymore, but I would like to point out that I find “full-figured” to be a perfectly goddamn acceptable term. It’s things like this:

    …rocking the Fatkins diet. Yikes! Push away from the table, Gold Dust Woman!

    that were funny, were really funny, but at the same time kind of turned my stomach (HA! “TURNED MY STOMACH!” TRY THE CHICKEN AND TIP YOUR SERVER, I’LL BE HERE ALL WEEK!), and the repeated emphasis in the subsequent writeups that Kim Delaney Is Totally Unlike All The Other Female Body Types On This Show OMG.

    It’s one thing that she’s clearly not as hot as Kirsten. But can we just try not referring to her by her body type at all, please, especially since it is now akin to beating a dead (overweight?) horse? Please?

  19. Why? Do you walk around all the time yelling, “That Wesley Snipes is Black!!”

    Waaaaaahhhh things are so PC waaaaahhh I can’t be an enormous dick anymore waaaaahhhh.

    • dieblucasdie, Feb 15, 2005 7:45PM ∞

    And we have identified dieblucasdie as Artie Lang. Have a Jack and Coke on me, buddy.

  20. I din’t even realize that WAS Kim Delaney. I just figgered they were using an obviously unattractive actress so that the young impressionable types out there in the USA wouldn’t think there was any way Eyebrows would cheat on Q-tip.

  21. When will the show get cancelled. This is a rock n roll website right? I thought hip hop was off limits here, unless there the beastie boys, please help put this website in perspective.

  22. What i mean is hip hop is to rock n roll as the OC is to rock n roll. If you as a web editor going to go the OC route you might as well open your mind to other music too.

  23. Plus there is a whole lot of indie rock in the OC. It’s one of the more enduring aspects of the show, because the plots and love triangles are getting a little bit tired/forced.

    They sure wrapped up a lot of pltlines last week, are we about to hit the finale tonight or something?

    Speaking of Hip-Hop I am digging The Game’s “Documentary”. Typical Dre shit, but still cool.

  24. Wrapped up? Are you for serious? Sandy is in deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep shit, there was something about an FBI investigation in the teaser, Seth is losing his gotdamn mind, Marissa can’t act even with lesbionics, that dude that Summer is dating never got to say his Big Thing That He Was Going To Reveal Before They Did It In The Hotel Room…

    Wrapped up. Pfffft.

    Also, Buck? Look through the archives.

  25. Sandy dropped the case with the chubster and I’m thinking she’ll skip town, the comic book thing seems over, we know that Marissa/lesbian thing is gonna blow over before it starts (I read an interview where she said that she’ll quickly realize she’s not into it). Chino and the redhead are ina holding pattern, aand anything else could be chocked up to a cliffhanger for the next season…

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