The OC: Someone’s SMS’ing

A footsoldier in Dean Hess's uptight citizens' brigade...“The OC” is back after its baseball hiatus, and up to its old tricks. There’s decent banter between Seth and Summer, still the show’s best character. And there’s intrigue all over the joint, from 7 of 9 snooping around to Marissa finding new friends (and a new nickname) at a new school. But while it’s still entertaining, and still interesting to see what music makes it in to the show nowadays, “The OC”‘s mass culture cred is slipping a little. During its hiatus the girls from MTV’s “Laguna Beach” pulled a flanking maneuver and completely cut Rachel Bilson and Mischa Barton out of the media/tabloid picture. People who care about these things are picking sides (Team Kristen! Team Lauren!), and the blogs are alive with the sound and fury of the “Laguna Beach” kids’ descent into D-list parties and a three-way “Real World/Road Rules/Laguna Beach: Inferno.” Somewhere right now, Trishelle is cheersing them drunkenly.

But in the meantime “The OC” plugs along, and it’s still good for a few laughs. Or, in the case of this past Thursday’s episode, a flurry of text messages between myself and my friend C. Live-texting is the new live-blogging. Bring it.


The show opens with a post-AA Kirsten getting her cook on. She’s prepared a fancy egg breakfast for Seth and Ryan, who look at her blankly. Sandy comes into the kitchen, but he only wants the usual…

“Put a schmeer on my bagel.”

From: C.

8:03pm 11/3/05

“That’s what Sandy gets for marrying a shiksa.”

From: JTL

8:03pm

After the lighthearted start it was clear “The OC” was on a mission to come back strong from the hiatus. The Cohens attend a college fair, but it becomes a showdown between Sandy and Dean Hess, the clunky Ken Doll who previously kicked Chino and Marissa out of Newport and currently has it in for Seth and Summer.

Meanwhile, Kirsten’s still battling blindly with 7 of 9, who has since been revealed (to us, anyway) as a grifter with a line on the Cohens’ cash. 7 of 9 also puts her hooks into Julie Cooper-Nichol, whose own skills as a hustler, gold digger, and ex-porn star inexplicably fail her when it comes to the so-obviously-fucking-with-everyone 7 of 9. 7 buys Julie a condo by the beach, presumably so someone can be thrown through its plate glass windows in the season finale.

“This episode is fucking nuts.”

From: C.

8:13pm

“Taylor Townshend has huge…sweaters.”

From: JTL

8:13pm

Townshend is Summer and Seth’s nemesis, and no relation to Taylor on “Laguna Beach.” Taylor’s a footsoldier in Dean Hess’s uptight citizens’ brigade, but Summer has also discovered that she and the Dean are, you know, doing it.

“I love that girl.”

From: C.

8:16pm

Chino’s in hot water with Sandy after revealing that he doesn’t want to think about the future and college, he just wants to get a job. He’s also not an Atwood, nor is he a Cohen. That’s right, he’s a Chino, but I digress.

“When will Chino hit someone? I ask you: when?”

From: JTL

8:16pm

Dean Hess isn’t going to budge on letting Ryan back into Newport. Hess is going to blacklist him so no college will ever take him in. Sandy’s eyebrows waggle angrily.

“The dean is seriously the biggest dick ever.”

From: C.

8:19pm

Since her expulsion from Newport the Doe Eyed Fawn’s been attending public school, which in typical “OC” fashion is populated by street toughs and women’s prison rejects. As long as she attends the public school, Marissa will be known as She-no.

Anyways, at her new school She-no hangs out with an opposite world group of friends, including a bizarrro Summer, bizarrro Seth, and bizarrro Ryan/inevitable She-no love interest named Johnny. (Hey!) He and Chino almost came to fisticuffs once, but in this episode they bond over having played public league football together in middle school.

When Johnny finds out Ryan’s trying to find work, he gets the erstwhile Cohen adoptee a job on his uncle’s fishing boat. (TV Johnny twisting his evil moustache: “Hissss, I will get rid of this Ryan character once and forrrr all, sssooo that Marisssaaa willll be mine, all mine! Echoing laughter…)

And the texts start flying as fast as “The OC” could make Gorton’s Fisherman jokes.

“Chino the fisherman.”

From: C.

8:28pm

“Fisherman Chino.”

From: JTL

8:28pm

“Fisher Spooner.”

From: C.

8:29pm

“Aqua Chino.”

From: JTL

8:30pm

“Aqua Cheen Fishing Force.”

From: JTL

8:31pm

TV Johnny’s plan works – Ryan gets the fishing boat job. The usual “OC” awkward dinner scene then unfolds, with Marissa stalking off in a huff and Summer and Seth lightening the mood with sailor jokes.

“I love the going away parties. Brought to you by the T-Mobile Sidekick.”

From: C.

8:38pm

“Night of a Thousand Maritime Jokes.”

From: JTL

8:39pm

Seth and Summer decide to use their T-MOBILE SIDEKICK to catch Taylor Townshend and Dean Hess in the act. They set their trap, Taylor falls for it, and there’s a showdown at the same dingy motel where everything dingy in the “OC” happens – Julie meeting Marmaduke Luke for illicit sex, Julie’s ex-boyfriend plotting her blackmail, etc.

“Taylor Trash; nice.”

From: C.

8:50pm

“Taylor Trash. Summer rules.”

From: JTL

8:50pm

Sandy gets involved in the plot, getting Dean Hess to admit to his affair with Taylor by craftily using a T-MOBILE SIDEKICK. Hess agrees to reinstate Ryan; all is well. Well, until next week, when he will inevitably punch TV Johnny.

“Weird episode, huh?”

From: C.

8:58pm

“Lot of shit happened, but nothing happened. Same

old OC template.”

From: JTL

8:59pm

“And he’s not a fisherman, either. Shocker. Fluffer line

at end: Best.”

From: JTL

9:00pm

Songs featured in this episode:

• “Blind Asylum” by Orenda Fink from Invisible Ones (Saddle Creek)

• “Weight of the World” by BRMC from Howl (Red Ink)

• “Appearances” (mp3) by Citizens Here and Abroad from Ghosts of Tables and Chairs (Omnibus)

• “Holding Me Up” by Dandy Warhols from Odditorium or Warlords of Mars (Capitol)

Photo courtesy of The OC Files. Be sure to catch up on all of the previous Glorious Noise OC coverage.

8 thoughts on “The OC: Someone’s SMS’ing”

  1. “Fluffer line

    at end: Best.”

    YES

    I was worried for a while, but I agree that this was more or less a return to form, especially since during the episode I called my little sister and left her a high-pitched hysterical “IS RYAN GOING TO LEAVE? IS HE REALLY GOING TO LEAVE? WHYYYYYYYYYY?” voicemail. Then again, I’m extremely gullible.

    And Marissa and her “Everybody LEAVES ME and you’re just like my DAD” speech can still suck it.

  2. I can’t stand Taylor! No Marsha Brady look-alike can mess with the Summer. Don’t let me catch you and C slipping to the dark side of Taylor Townshend either.

    Oh, and now I must have a sidekick— I love the OC.

  3. Oh my god, we missed last week’s because our vcr never had its daylight savings time change. Damn daylight savings.

    Anyways. That was the next best thing to actually seeing it and I laughed sooo hard reading this I wheezed.

  4. yeah ryan aint leaving…everybody knows that…but can we please get marissa to leave, if not put some clothing on the girl or make her eat some food.please.

    now this whole taylor thing…yeah its obvious that shes gonna make a move for seth and summers gonna see it and think hes a part of it…old trick.

    what i wanna know is she gonna be in the fold eventually or will she disappear a-la chicago girl last season?

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