I’m breaking up with Alanis. I’m serious, man. This time, it’s for good. I just can’t stand her fucking whining anymore.
Yeah, it was great, back when we first met. When I used to hear her on the radio on those shitty alternative stations when I was driving in the car. I’d always listen and maybe even sing along.
Yeah, I ought to have fucking known right then.
It was good after that too though. Like when I downloaded “Thank U” from Napster. When it would pop up on my iPod from time to time, I’d always smile.
I even liked “Dogma.” That’s how fucked up over her I was.
But this disc has really opened my eyes. Eighteen songs long, it’s just too much. Listening to the whole thing is like suffering through one of those endless breakup arguments that goes on all night when you just want her to get the hell out of the apartment but she won’t stop crying. Why did I ever let her move in anyway?
I thought I fucking loved her. How could I have been so wrong?
I should have listened to my friends. They warned me, but I thought her songs were catchy enough. Don’t get me wrong, she’s cute and I like the sex, but I need my space. Now that I hear her all the time, I just want to smack her.
And the more she sings her insipid songs, the more annoying that voice becomes. Shut the fuck up!
So I’m done. I’ve got to move on. If the best argument she can give me to stay is a lifeless cover of Seal’s “Crazy,” I’d have to be the one that’s nuts to let her stay. So I’m going to tell her to take her greatest hits and get out.
How’s that for ironic?
GLONO co-founder Jeff Sabatini declared his love for Ms. Morissette in 2002 when he asked, “Who’s Your Alanis?”