Election night 2006 was the launch of a new GLONO feature over on POLJUNK: live blogging. We all got twisted and commented in real time on the election returns. It was a hoot and since Loftus is busy deconstructing Detroit garage rock, we’re bringing the live blog to bear on the American Music Awards this Tuesday, November 21. Log on to GLONO at 8/7(cst) and join in on the fun. Think of a drinking game and win a nasty hangover for Wednesday.
Be there!
Previously: I Want A New Drug: The 2003 AMAs and Call Me Diddy: The 2002 AMAs.
OK, girls and boys here we go. How this works is simply post your comments here in real time. Get your drinks ready and let’s get it on!
Hi Phil!
Am I disqualified right now if I admit I really like the new Beyonce song?
Launching with the delicious Boyonce who is fresh from taping “Dream Girls” and is till feeling her inner Diana Ross. God damn she’s foxy.
This song stinks though. A mid-tempo “Hear Me Roar” knock off. Not my bag at all.
Wait, who’s that skinny brotha molesting her?
And now some dude ina hoodie??? Nice of you to dress up.
Nice Lisa and Wendy hat tip with the hot keyboardists.
What a lame opener. We all know Boynce can do so much more.
The dullest of the award shows stay true to form so far.
Sarah Horne checks in! Nice.
Is that the song? I’m sure the recorded version is better but that performance was stiff as Diddy’s wood.
And now an American Idol, Ms. Underwood graces us with ANOTHER slow, dull number. WTF??? Who is producing this steamer?
Ah, I should have known: medley.
Hold on! That Idol has stolen Tina Turner’s legs and injected them with chicken hormones. Those can’t be real, can they? And who wears shorts in November without winter tights???
Girl [Beyonce, not Underwood] is lookin a lot healthier these days though. And less crazy.
If Jesus were actually taking the wheel, he would steer it into a creek, were there any justice.
HO SNAP
That crowd looks stiff as hell. Bored stupid. Don’t be surprised if Dem Franchise Boyz don’t get cranked on Yayo and tear this joint up.
And did I just hear that Johnny Cash is appearing? Now THAT should be exciting!
Worst. Host. Ever.
Kimmel bagging on Snoop and his affinity for blunts.
Nice tag on Kanye: Winners will be allowed only 45 seconds for a speech. Kanye West will be allowed 45 minutes for rebuttal.
Rips on K-Fed: Comparisons to Vanilla Ice, but Ice had a hit song…He’s the world’s only No Hit Wonder.
K-Fed boxed up and thrown in a river.
And then Britney follows a 60 second bash on her freshly ex-husband??? CRUNCH!
First winner: Mary J. Blige bags best R&B performer, Female.
Who let her get that nasty tatoo on her upper arm? Looks like Ike Turner is running her career!
Thanks to the Lord, of course. Only 17 minutes into the broadcast. Not bad, but can’t compete with the record holding Vibe Awards.
And then Britney gets a standing ovation. Bless her little heart. DRINKING GAME #1: Every time someone thanks the lord.
Derek, to answer your question (I am new to this liveblogging) the recorded version of the Beyonce song is way decent.
Oh god, I have to watch the Pussycat Dolls?
You’re doing fine, man. Keep posting your comments.
I’ll drink to the Lord!
haha I have to learn to type faster.
Jesus, Nickleback is still a band? ANd they’re up for best Pop/Rock album? Shit!
And what is this High School Musical? I HAVE to see that!
Fuck all! Nickelback WON!
Nice to see Clay Aiken. Anyone following his fued with Kelly Rippa? Seems he got steamed when she pushed his hand from her mouth and said, “I don’t know where your hand’s been.” Some are saying that was a gay bash because gay put their hands in dirty places, get it??? Unlike the straights who are clean as can be.
Oh yeah! Pussy Cat Dolls!!!!
Sounding all Arabic. Take THAT freedom haters!
I haven’t seen this many crotch shots since Madonna turned 60.
I had no idea such a feud existed. Why the hell did Tony Hawk introduce the Pussycat Dolls? Why are they on my television? My brain hurts.
And now the male Norah Jones, Josh Brogan. Excuse me while I hit the fridge.
Josh Groban’s album is called “Awake?” MORE LIKE COMATOSE.
Tip your waiters, drive safely.
The irony! This song put me to sleep three times already.
Coming up: the American debut of Gwen Stefani’s new song.
I like Gwen on paper. She’s cute as hell, she seems really funny and cool in interviews, but fuck all if her voice doesn’t make me want to sic starved, gonorrhea crazed dogs on her. I tried to like her…I tried.
Anyone else find that Delsym commercial to be unintentionally hilarious? I mean, that dude talking to his right hand…we all know what that hand does in the off hours and here it talking to him face to face. What would Clay Aiken’s right hand hand say?
Justin Guarini was in High School Musical? I REALLY have to see this shit!
oh god. The Black Eyed Peas take best rap group.
Poor Fergie. All I can think of now is that she pissed her pants and it was all over the Internet. Dirty bird.
Those bitches plugged their website? What a bunch of twats.
Holy shit. Chan Marshall looks good…oh wait….
What in the same hell is Nelly Furtado wearing?
Nelly Furtado found somebody’s Prince collection on eBay and was the highest bidder on his beats. I guess we know what the New Power Generation is up to now.
The Swede checks in!
This song might possibly be more boring than the Groban song. Sorry, blonde disney channel girl who was all “you KNOW it’ll be a huge hit.” The backing vocals are oddly hypnotic though.
Nelly’s backlit sheer flash is nice.
AND SERIOUSLY I CAN SEE THROUGH HER SKIRT WHERE WAS HER MOTHER WHEN SHE GOT DRESSED.
Here sir!
Who are these people?!
God. I’m. Old.
Wait. Eminem just won? How is that even possible? Kanye gon break something, y’all.
Gee, I wonder why Eminem couldn’t be there?
Hmmmmmm. I always wondered what heaven would look like if it were populated by marginally tallented singers. Seriously, this performance is supposed to get ratings? Dull, dull, dull.
JB in from da South Side!
Must have powder blue pin striped suit! That announcer stole Fred Willard’s wardrobe.
I stepped away. Who is that metrosexual hillbilly? Out ther with his daughter?
I am not sure that hair on Billy Ray Cyrus IS better than a mullet, though. His daughter is super cute.
It’s Billy Ray Cyrus, Phil! His daughter has a show on Disney that he acts (“acts”) in now.
Oh shit, that chick from Grey’s Anatomy is smokin’
When did the collective “country” music community decide to let their hair go ghey?
Are you shitting me???? That is Billy Ray!?!?!? Achey Breaky asshat!
Oh my god the cast of Grey’s Anatomy are whores. And I am so sick of this song and Coldplay Lite Part Three that I could cry. Or gouge out my ears. Excuse me for a second.
I’m still sick of mopey & British. Oh Darkness, why have thou forsaken us!
I have yet to jump on the Snow Patrol bandwagon. And, judging by this song, I will stab whoever is driving the bandwagon.
If I lay here…
I’ll end up sleeping…
Cause this song is so boring..
Blah blah blah blah blah.
Go ahead, give it a sing.
Who doesn’t love two chord songs with no dynamics and an unchanging backbeat?
…oh wait, ignore the man who wrote “Silent Way”
While we’re in commercial breaks, I think it would be good to disclose guilty pleasures of current hit radio. I’ll admit to knowing all the words to that motherfucking song by Hinder (Honey why you calling me, so late…that one) and being thoroughly embarassed by it.
Local spot break: tickets on sale for Nickleback, 3 Days Grace, and some other band. Living in Iowa is awesome.
Jealous Chicago?!
My 17 year old niece was just in town and mentioned that band. I was trying to really wow her by explaining how I run a world renowned music website and blew it all by having no idea who the fuck she was talking about.
Screw you all. I like that damn Snow Patrol song.
I kicked my husband off for a minute to comment. I had to take my chance to defend the song.
I’ll now let him back on to join the fun.
When did yodeling become hip? And does Gwen have some sort of marching band fetish?
Gwen scares me.
She really needs to lay off the lipstick.
Dudes in snowsuits stepdancing like it’s the Frozen River Dance. Gwen is fucking weird.
Two things that don’t mix well: Gwen Stefani and the Sound of Music.
“Wind It Up”
change that to
“Shut It Down”
This is awful…
When did the VonTrapp Family Singers go slutty?
And to backtrack a bit, Seacrest got fuckin owned by Jimmy Kimmel.
Jay-Z kicks it and I put this joint in STEREO!
Nicolson, good to see you.
I hate American TV. Deleting Jay-Z’s sage words. How DARE you!
Show me whatchoo got, little lady!
Yeah, Jay-Z is much better at the hip-hop than the skinny white girls.
Oh, who was that dude who won the Oscar for best documentary a few years ago and jumped out of his wheelchair? He just bum rushed Jay-Z and did his freaky dance all over the place.
I love that Will Farell is in the Chili Peppers.
Ten bucks says the John Frusciante wasn’t sleeping…he was nodding off.
Thanks, Derek – back at ya.
Is the Jay-Z supposed to be a tie-in to Dreamgirls? (That’s all those vegas-y showgirls remind me of.)
Gavin, Gavin…such a mumbler!
Wait, there’s an “every kiss begins with Kay” interview lounge?! That hits new lows in product placement.
Ah, a retrospective from the Kay Jewelers Diamond Lounge, including a clip of the Dixie Chicks before they joined the Taliban. The salad days…
Stone & Slater? Whar year is this?
Let’s Rob Mick Jagger, indeed.
Always good to see Flava.
Oh, Flav…I weep for Flav.
I love Shatner.
Oh, it’s a Kanye category! Will he freak out?
Jimmy Kimmel throwing his girlfriend Sarah Silverman a bone.
God bless Shatner though. He’s awesome.
Nick Lachey still has a career? Who knew?
Who the hell is Sean Paul? And why does he have two first names?
Since when did Dancehall count as “pop/rock”
Thanks to God–DRINK!
Sean Paul sounds EXACTLY like Ali G.
Whoa…Paris can read.
When did Jaime Fox become a Scientologist? That’s the only thing that explains his freaky rise in American pop culture.
In honor of Jamie Foxx’s win i’m totally renting “Booty Call” this weekend.
I guarantee that if QWW and Riviera are finalists for an award and we win, we will NOT share it with them.
what’s up nipples
Sharon Stone’s nipples just blinded half of America.
Tell me this Dixie Chicks number is not a great protest song. We have so few that say anything AND are musically interesting. It’s not “Ohio” but I have to admit I dig it in the same way a part of me likes Tori Amos.
The Dixie Chicks are asking America to start a revolution. A quiet, polite, not too offensive so our PR team doesn’t have to work over the holiday, revolution.
Earnest 9/11 songs bore me. And yikes…the backdrop with the buildings?
Seems pretty timid. They’ve got an audience full of liberal Hollywood/music types, where’s the “screw Bush” type of song? It’d bring the house down.
HA!
Chivas break. Back in five!
I want to see Jack Black bite off Barry Manillow’s head–like Ozzy used to do with bats.
That would be frickin’ awesome!
Who let Dave Grohl out of his cage? Is he related to Jack Black? He stole his hair cut.
I love Jack Black and KG, but pushing your movies and websites on these shows is lame. I don’t know why it bothers me; that’s what these shows are all about. It just seems so small.
But…isn’t the guitar riff in the Tenacious D song actually the same one from “Rhianna” by Fleetwood Mac?
Sounds suspiciously similar to me…
I love that they’ve made a career out of the same Spinal Tap geekiness that crippled all my heavy metal friends from high school.
Why ain’t Mary mad no more? I can’t follow that question. Is she mad or ain’t she?
“Mary ain’t mad no more”?
She is by the looks of that beret. And those boots.
Those boots are slowly digesting her feet and calves.
Mary J. Blige is singlehandedly trying to kill low-rise jeans and I will not allow that. She’s hotching like a 75 year old man!
Stop pointing that thing at me!
I want to tempt Aly and AJ
God rockers!!! Can the heathens make them cry?
Jesus has no place at the AMAs. Weren’t the D just praising Satan?
I like Kirk Franklin’s casual Hollister style. He’s a lil fella! I think I could put him in my pocket right next to my works.
Give the dude props for that speech calling out fake Christians though.
The Pepto commercials freak me out. They always focus on the girl when they get to “diarrhea” in the songs. They’re forcing America’s men to accept that our women poop. It’s not right.
The Diamond Lounge is really happening. A bunch of twats who couldn’t get into a real AMA party.
1985 appears to have been much scarier than I remember.
OH! Vanessa Williams gets flagged for a flagrant foul for actually saying that stupid “all night long” line.
Nicole needs some poundage. Seriously. Girlie looks ill.
Lionel Richie has never been outrageous. NEVER!
I hear he’s huge in the Middle East though. The Lebanese love him, I think.
Kind of like the Germans and their Hasselhoff, eh?
I like the shots of all the honkeys who can’t clap in time with Lionel Fucking Richie.
Dig that fat whitey up front going bananas to “All Night Long”
Conga line!
Is that Joey Lawrence busting a move???
I thought it was Moby for a second…
Why are Fall Out Boy all dressed the same? This song has no discernible melody. I too am very old.
fall out boy? no comment
phil. has jessica simpson and her two best friends made an appearance tonight?
drink!
Carrie Underwood thanked God AND blessed Him. DRINK TWICE.
“This is for my grandmother…
…who used to beat me when I was a child.”
Life is a Highway was a shit song BEFORE some pap country pop gorup got a hold of it. Yeow!
Sorry, I dozed off. Is that Kanye in that white suit?
Maintaining the American Idol streak, I predict Kelly Clarkson wins both categories in which she’s nominated. Who wants to put some money down?
Oh, LW, no sign of Jessica or her boobies.
That’s ASHLEE Simpson? That is so so scary.
Who the fuck are these preteens?!
My LABELMATES?!
That shit’s got a record deal?
(DRINK)
Hmmm, either Rascal Flats knew they were winning the Text In Award (oooh, DRINK!), or they were getting ready to pounce on Ashley Simpson and force her to eat the pounds of flesh she so richly deserves.
I may hate no other song outside of “American Pie” more than the song Barry Manilow is singing right now. It makes me violent.
goddamned. who lets manilow even open his mouth anymore? and on the AMAs? i thought he was just kitch these days. am i the only one? because otherwise i’m out of touch with american music in ways i cannot describe.
And is anyone else tempted to call the cops and press stalking charges on that weird old queen when he looks into the camera and says “Can’t take my eyes off of you…”?
What the world needs now is an age limit on these TV shows.
what the world needs is for manilow to please exit music forever.
Derek-I was thinking the same thing…about the violence. Seriously. I’m drinking a banana/strawberry smoothie and eating a slice of pumpkin bread. Yet I’m feeling violence surge inside of me life I just drank a pint of kesler’s whiskey
Nothing more sad than an aborted standing o. Ouch.
Is Anthony Kiedis showing us his Kabalah bracelet?
Even AC Slater had the sense not to stand.
Good on him.
is clay pregnant? cause he’s bigger than tori.
john mayer.
add your thoughts.
Kimmel – ouch! with the dig at Clay.
Okay, here we go-some Curious George music.
Ever see that Chappelle show that John Mayer was on? It was actually kind of amusing.
I’d heard John Mayer had gone legit bluesman and was playing some gritty, interesting music. I guess not.
But is that George Harrison’s old Stratocaster he’s playing?
A flute player?
Subtract two points.
Weird Al is going to get capped tonight.
Soundscan…aka “Soundscam”
Is that how they choose these things? No wonder it’s a giant suck-fest.
Weird Al just tried to burn his way directly into my brain with the power of his stare. That was harrowing.
I SWEAR I’m not a prude…but was the ass-shot really necessary???
I welcome Snoop’s return. Look at him! A former Crip turned America’s sweetheart. He is the American Dream.
“I SWEAR I’m not a prude…but was the ass-shot really necessary???”
Yes, yes it was.
I’d change my name to Franky J but I know a certain Wut who would sue the shit outta me.
blue carpet treatment? must we pay homage to his gang roots? i am apparently very outdated in this world now.
I’m so glad Mary J. changed her clothes…again.
DRINK!
more praise. i’m about to get tagged for real here, folks!
MJB fucking rules, but she needs to be smoking weed again.
tbounce, you crazy.
Drink.
Who greenlighted a Tyrese album?
And I missed a lot: Did Kanye get shut out?
i think so. and if kanye gets shut out, we’d all better take cover or we’re gonna hear more rage than michael richards in compton.
Well, that may have been the most anti-climatic end to an awards show on television awards show history. But I guess the whole thing was a failed launch, so what did I expect?
America’s eternal teenager may want to hand the reigns over to someone born within the last three or four decades. Or maybe just give it to William Shatner who appears to be the most entertaining man on television today. Think of how freaky he could make this shit.
So the big winner of the night was clearly Mary J, and that’s fine. I get that she’s a legend in her field and all but I have yet to see a performance worthy of the praise.
The ongoing disturbing blend of country and pop is hitting absurd lows with Billy Ray Cyrus sporting the same hairdo as my mom and some chubby gas station workers remaking one of the worst songs of the last two decades of shit adult contempory music–and winning awards for it!
Hip continues to falter as uninspired MCs are backed by rahashing DJs. When Snoop Dogg, a man who first blew open hip hop over 15 years ago, delivers the freshest track of the night, you know the genre is fucked.
The American Music Awards are supposed to represent the best in American music and if that’s true, this country’s in worse shape than anything Barack Obama can fix.
Hey, I’m back from Morrissey. Is it over? Did I miss the whole thing?
Burn down the disco, Jake Brown. It is over.
Nicolson asked how these things were chosen:
“Winners of the American Music Awards are selected by the public. A national sampling of approximately 20,000, taking into account geographic location, age, sex and ethnic origin, will be sent ballots by the National Family Opinion, Inc. firm under the supervision of Broadcast Research and Consulting, Inc. Names of the nominees on the ballot were compiled from data supplied by the music industry trade publication, Radio & Records and Nielsen Soundscan, which tracks retail music sales.”
So the nominations are based on sales. Then 20,000 rednecks and housewives and half-bright teenagers select the winners.