God bless The NME. We had this idea a while back but never got around to researching it, so here are Noel Gallagher’s 50 Funniest Quotes. Not only funny but the dude was prescient on the course of indie rock. Choice cuts from the ex-Oasis man:
On ambition: “You want to sell 5,000 limited-edition red vinyl seven-inches, that’s fine. Make music for a closet full of people in Bradford somewhere … but it doesn’t mean anything to anyone. Phil Collins has got to be chased out of the charts, and Wet Wet Wet. It’s the only way to do it, man, to fucking get in there among them and stamp the fuckers out.” (The Guardian, Sept 1994)
On the death of guitar music: “They’ve been saying it for 30 years, ever since The Beatles split up, you know, that rock’n’roll’s dead. When ever there’s a boom there’s always a bit of a lull afterwards. I suppose that avant garde punk rock will come back for a while, and it will all be shit again, and then guitar music will come back.” (Total Guitar, December 1998)
On Kaiser Chiefs ‘being wankers’: “Well, they are, though. The worst thing about them is that they’re not very good. They play dress-up and sit on top of an apex of meaninglessness. They don’t mean anything to anybody apart from their fucking ugly girlfriends.” (Time Out: Chicago, December 2008)
Those are awesome, but you know what I hate? When websites use their “photo gallery” functionality for listy-type articles. I’ve got to give them 50 pageviews to read a 2,500-word article? Come on.
That’s why the NME publishers are vacationing in Ibiza and we ain’t!
I gave up after, like, ten. If anybody finds any good ones after that, please post them here in the comments.
On Liam: “He’s rude, arrogant, intimidating and lazy. He’s the angriest man you’ll ever meet. He’s like a man with a fork in a world of soup.”
On Liam: “I read these interviews with him and I don’t know who the guy is who’s in these interviews, he seems really cool, because the guy I’ve been in a band with for the last 18 years is a fucking knobhead.”
On credibility: “Jack White has just done a song for Coca-Cola. End of. He ceases to be in the club. And he looks like Zorro on doughnuts. He’s supposed to be the poster boy for the alternative way of thinking… I’m not having that, that’s fucking wrong. Particularly Coca-Cola, it’s like doing a fucking gig for McDonald’s.”
On Liam imitating John Lennon: “He was talking in a Scouse accent for three days. He told me I should refer to him as John and I was like, ‘I just prefer ‘cunt’, man.”
On drugs: “I still tell people that the ‘Be Here Now’ album is the best advertisement against taking cocaine. It goes on too long, it’s smothered by its self of self-importance – the same as coke users are.”
On Live8: “I’m not sure about this Live8 thing. Correct me if I am wrong, but are they hoping that one of these guys from the G8 is on a quick 15-minute break at Gleneagles and sees Annie Lennox singing ‘Sweet Dreams’ and thinks, ‘Fuck me, she might have a point there, you know.’ It’s not going to fucking happen, is it?”
And they missed my personal favourite Noel quote, about Liam from just after they split up:
“They say never work with children and animals. No one mentioned fucking morons though, did they?”
Awesome!
I make a point of not having any heroes. But Noel comes tantalizingly close to making me rethink that rule. I can only imagine that sitting down with him for a few pints down the pub some night would be a riot.
Also missed this gem in the criticism of Be Here Now:
“I’ll remind you that that record sold nine and a half million copies. If ANY band this year sells that many records I’ll shit in my trousers.”
He and Mozzer are a music journalist’s dream come true. Fucking quote machines!
Someone should start a shitnoelgallaghersays Twitter.
Why’s he got to dog Phil Collins? I love Phil Collins.
Cheers, Mr. Gallagher. You are truly the last of the funny, non-moronic, opinionated rock stars.
Btw, this quote–which is not included in the NME 50–is my favorite:
“I went to the Def Jam tour in Manchester in the ’80s when rap was inspirational. Public Enemy were awesome. But it’s all about status and bling now, and it doesn’t say anything to me.”
Seeing as mainstream hip-hop is still in the midst of its “hair band” phase, can’t say I disagree.
That Gallagher dipshit can’t touch the genius of Phil Collins even in his wildest dreams.
Oashit (which never were a success anywhere in the world but in the UK) will die that people worldwide will still listen to Phil and Genesis.
You lose, Gallagher. Game over. Go die now. Except for a few drunkards nobody likes the shit you wrote.
Best quote I have ever heard from anybody came from Noel at GQ awards in 2008.
My girlfriend worked for the publishers and she had a plus one…me.
I was walking back from the toilets and he was standing outside the ladies waiting for his wife.
I nodded to and said “alright mate…”
He nodded back then “You from Manchester…”
I said Yes then said asked how he knew..he replied..
“your gazelle…” and pointed to the adidas trainers on my feet.
“the tossers here are all wearing gucci slippers and think theyr’e the bollocks.”
I started laughing and said I’d see him at bar.
“Not fucking likely. It’s like a Smugfest for brown stars in there. See you later”
Legend…..