While reading over a list of the songwriting winners from the 27th Annual ASCAP Pop Music Awards, an event during which Lukasz “Dr. Luke” Gottwald was named Songwriter of the Year, it occurred to us that one of the evident problems that we suffer here are GloNo is an insufficiency of nicknames, handles, or whathaveyou. To wit:

• C. “Tricky” Stewart

• Matthew “Boi-1da” Samuels

• Robert “Bobbybass” Larow

• Janet “Jnay” Sewell-Ulepic

• Carl “Gudda Gudda” Lilly

• Christoper “Dow Jones” Whitacre

• Edward Bello “El Cata”

• David “Haw” Wolinski

• Darius “Deezle” Harrison

• Curtis “Kidd Kidd” Stewart

And let’s not overlook Dot Da Genius or Flo Rida, or Kool Kojak.

All of which is to say that we’d best not venture into songwriting careers until we have an appropriate moniker.