Tag Archives: Jennifer Lopez

“And my Fiat will go on and on…”

Quick: What comes to mind when you think of Jennifer Lopez?

No, not that. But what do you think of her as regards her profession?

As in: singer, actress, TV reality show judge.

But that’s only scratching the surface because according to Chrysler Group, which is featuring Ms. Lo in a series of commercials for the Fiat 500, she is an “actress, entertainer, philanthropist and entrepreneur.”

Guess they forgot poet, particle physicist, and shrewd judge of character.

Some even argue that when Celine Dion was emoting in a Chrysler Pacifica (no, we don’t blame you if you don’t remember the car and if you’re trying not to remember the Titanic theme song) there was a better fit.

According to Olivier Francois, head of Fiat and chief marketing officer and brand marketing communications for Chrysler, and an otherwise smart guy whom I’ve had the opportunity to talk with, “The primary objective of ‘My World’ [the name of the commercial] was to explore the story of Jennifer Lopez, who is a cultural icon. [Drat! Left it off the list.] We watch as she leaves Manhattan and makes her way back to the Bronx, where she grew up and continues to be inspired by.”

What this has to do with a diminutive Italian car that’s built in Mexico for sale in places including the Bronx—scratch that, there is a Fiat dealership in Brooklyn, but not the Bronx—is quite puzzling. Is one to aspire to the car or to Ms. Lo’s lifestyle?

How Lo Will We Go?

One of the great unanswered questions of the late 20th century is not how Tom Hanks went from Bosom Buddies to intergalactic stardom, but how Dan Ackroyd managed to marry one of the other stars of Bosom Buddies, the blond, lissome Donna Dixon. Ackroyd, among the cast members of the original Saturday Night Live, is the man who brought the plumber’s butt crack onto American television during his run on the show. The plumber’s butt crack phenomenon is where physics meets physiology, with a portion of the trousers staying stable and another portion being inordinately affected by gravity.

Since those early days, time has marched on with its punctuated equilibrium such that when we see the plumber’s butt crack on TV, it is no longer an Ackroyd, but someone like Jennifer Lopez on a music awards show. J. Lo, of course, is a woman about whom one can remark “Baby’s got back!” either in the context of its shapeliness or its Rubenesque abundance.

The May issue of Allure, the one with Christina Aguilera on the cover (“Christiana Aguilera Comes Clean”), there is an item showing Ms. Lopez with a full-plumber working.* The item includes the following:

“The top of the fanny can become red, dry, and ashy after winter,” says Nance Mitchell, who waxes Reese Witherspoon, Gwyneth Paltrow, Christina Aguilera [note: her again—her time must be now, or at least the May issue] in her eponymous L.A. salon.

Imagine. Fortunately, there are treatments, including Kiss My Butt, Sweet Cheeks, and Ms. Mitchell’s own Derriere Décolleté.

Thank goodness that free enterprise is there working for us. Red, dry and ashy! Ouch.

*GloNo knows no limits when it comes to ferreting out pop culture-related items, even if we have to look at magazines that declare, “Win a trip, a makeover, and major beauty booty.” We’re there.

Jennifer Lopez Tops the Charts

Internationally-renowned “singer” and “actress” Jennifer Lopez recently topped the charts in both music and film, her chosen artforms. After knocking a little known English quartet called The Beatles from their perch at number one, Lopez was quoted as saying “I just want to make everyone dance and have a good time without all that other deep crap.”

This triumph of marketing over substance will undoubtedly find J.Lo’s faithful servants playing on glad tambourines and waving about palm fronds as their queen settles her prodigious ass on her gilded throne. But the rest of us are falling on our swords out on the battlefield, because shit man, there’s just less and less left to live for. The dumbing down of America starts in Dubya’s office and cuts a wide swath in those amber waves of grain.

I bet Puff’s real proud of his main bitch.