Tag Archives: McSweeney’s

How to Write a Good Country Song

In the latest installment of Dispatches From a Guy Trying Unsuccessfully to Sell a Song In Nashville, our hero realizes it’s going to take more than six clasess to learn how to write a good country song. In every case, it would turn out—and I would be surprised every time—that I really had no clear … Continue reading How to Write a Good Country Song

Gardening Tips from Miles Davis

McSweeney’s publishes Miles Davis’s Container Gardening Tips by Ryan Abbott: In my experience, annuals tend to appreciate the complexity of classical piano concertos, like those by Ravel or Rachmaninoff. I play records by those two over and over again, my speakers aimed out to the backyard, blaring through a hole in the screen door torn … Continue reading Gardening Tips from Miles Davis

Why You Hate Modern Country

In the second installment of McSweeney’s Dispatches From a Guy Trying Unsuccessfully to Sell a Song In Nashville, Charlie Hopper succinctly breaks down the Six Things that prevent people like us from “Enjoying A Well-Crafted Modern Country Song.” 1. It isn’t ambiguous. 2. Its unironic sentimentality is unsubtle. 3. Its perfect production values are at … Continue reading Why You Hate Modern Country

Subway Performer's Application to Juilliard

McSweeney’s publishes A Subway Performer’s Application Essay to Juilliard by Karl Frankenfield: But more than inventive, I bring an unparalleled originality to my performances—I do things with music that other musicians wouldn’t dream of. Would an average musician think to play never ending repetitions of three note scales, or to hold out off-key notes for … Continue reading Subway Performer's Application to Juilliard

Bon Jovi's Pre-Concert Prayer Circle

McSweeney’s Dan Kennedy wonders What They’re Saying in Bon Jovi‘s Preconcert Prayer Circle: Again, I know the stuff’s really hitting the fan down here and you’re probably getting slammed with more prayers than ever, but for the next 75 nights we’ve got shows and I’m asking you to put tuning in to our preshow prayer … Continue reading Bon Jovi's Pre-Concert Prayer Circle

Pop Songs Condensed Into Single Sentences

McSweeney’s has Fifty Years of Popular Songs Condensed Into Single Sentences.: Patsy Cline, “Crazy” I want to do it with you so much I’m going fucking nuts. – – – –Frank Sinatra, “Strangers in the Night” I’m drunk and I want to do it with you. – – – –Little Richard, “Good Golly Miss Molly” … Continue reading Pop Songs Condensed Into Single Sentences

Letter to Prince: When Doves Cry

From McSweeney’s John Moe, A Letter to Prince Regarding the Crying of Doves and the Fiasco That Resulted From the Presentation of a Speech on That Topic: Then, in the midst of all this chaos, you informed us that the screaming itself was the sound that doves make when they cry. And, I mean, what? … Continue reading Letter to Prince: When Doves Cry

Letter to Billy Joel

From McSweeney’s John Moe, A Note Placed in the Pay Envelope of Billy Joel: Billy, that kind of thing is why people kept yelling at you all night. “Sing us a song, piano man! Sing us a song tonight!” they shouted. But instead of doing so, you simply shouted their words back to them and … Continue reading Letter to Billy Joel

Letter from the RIAA

From McSweeney’s, The Recording Industry Will Destroy You, a letter from the RIAA: “If your household pet has been named in this lawsuit, it will be euthanized. If you are a 13-year-old girl, do not expect that the bad publicity in the past has made us hesitant to sue little girls—it has only made us … Continue reading Letter from the RIAA

Leonard Cohen’s Laws of Business

Leonard Cohen’s Seven Immutable Laws of Business: “There’s nothing you can do behind your desk that can’t be more effectively accomplished with a beautiful, long-haired, chain-smoking woman lying naked next to you in bed.” Truer words have never been said. Via lhb.