Mary Kate and Ashley: Your Sweater Isn’t All They’ll Destroy

Despite his nauseous run as the nervously glowering host of “America’s Funniest Home Videos,” and whatever you think of those rumors that his standup act is actually really funny, it’s safe to say that Bob Saget has officially made a comeback this TV season. Er, at least for a little while. His new vehicle is the family sitcom “Raising Dad,” a WB product that is allegedly on a chopping block still fresh with the blood of Emeril Lagasse. Similarly, “Full House” alum John Stamos has been thrown a bone by ABC in the form of “Thieves,” some sort of ill-conceived spy comedy that nevertheless must pay better than being a professional Husband of Supermodel. The series’ vital signs are currently stable, but its Friday night timeslot and Uncle Jesse’s bizarrely Richard Grieco-like presence (not to mention any number or re-hashed plots from “Masquerade”) should put it on life support toot suite.

Instead of angling for face-time on the networks, Saget and Stamos might give think of looking up former co-stars Mary Kate and Ashley Olson, the twins who aged in realtime as Michelle, Danny Tanner’s youngest daughter on “Full House.” Now older, yet somehow still JonBenet Ramsey lookalikes, the twins preside over a multi-million dollar corporation built on their squeaky-clean image and cloying omniscience on childrens’ programming. With all the benjamins they’ve raked in with their videos, cartoons, magazines, and television programs, the Olsens could probably spare a few carrots for their former co-stars.

And now, it looks like Mary Kate and Ashley are adding emo-rocker to their list of celebrity accomplishments.

The Olsens will perform a version of Weezer’s “Island In The Sun” for the soundtrack to their upcoming film (see? Another medium conquered by this dynamic duo of capitalism!) “Holiday In The Sun,” the soundtrack of which is due November 20. The girls will perform the song with a band called Empty Trash, a group that seemingly doesn’t exist on the Internet. Maybe its Dave Coulier’s new project. Who knows. Whoever Empty Trash is, and however the twins got the idea of doing a Weezer cover,No one knows what this coition of alt pop and budding starlet will mean for Rivers Cuomo, his band, or music in general. What do all those rabid Weezer fans that Glorious Noise is so good at offending think of this development? And just when will “Thieves” be cancelled?

You’ve been warned. Happy Halloween.


7 thoughts on “Mary Kate and Ashley: Your Sweater Isn’t All They’ll Destroy”

  1. Sheesh, maybe we ARE the Great Satan, and bin Laden and his pals are right.What else could explain the Olsen twins rise to power?As far as the identity of Empty Trash, I submit that they are a handful of rag-tag misfits (read: unknown studio musicians), who will eventually turn on their twin overlords and lead us all to a new land. They will become the greatest band in history, like ‘Wild Stallions’ in Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure, and will serve as our envoys to the saucermen.

  2. okay this just bites. i mean, can you just picture their stupid little fashionable butts singing the ever beautiful “hip hip”? wait, don’t picture that, or try not to. how can they just take a song that isn’t even theirs and redo it? why weezer? why not n*sync or o-town or something that would appeal to their pre-teen audience of hip wannabe’s? ugh, this sickens me. i’ve tried to ignore their twin commercialism forever, but this just takes the cake. now every time i’m in wal-mart, or any store for that matter, and i see the olsen’s little childrens apparel, i get this utter hate and urge to just go manic and destroy their pretty little pink blouses and leopard print belts right there!! what has this world come to?

  3. I feel your pain, Weezer Is My Friend (except for that part about going manic on pretty little pink blouses — that shit’s fucked up). I bet Rivers Cuomo feels a bit like The Doors did after Jose Feliciano released a cover of “Light My Fire” before they could even release their version.

  4. From Buddyhead:The Olsen Twins, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, are doing a cover of Weezer’s recent single, “Island in the Sun” with the band Empty Trash (Blake Schwarzenbach’s new solo project). The song will be featured in the Olsens’ latest movie, Holiday in the Sun. Something about that is oddly arousing. Twenty bucks says the day these little freaks turn 18 they are in Playboy

  5. I think it may be something like that. Remember back in the day when everyone from Alice Cooper to Leo Sayer did the Muppet Show? Well, I think these guys have this idea that their doing something along those lines except for the fact that the Muppet Show WAS cool/funny and the Olsen twins are neither. When will they be showing their boobies in Playboy though? That might change my mind.

  6. Yo, what up dawgs? Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, I know that two girls are identical but could one of you two girls which of you girls is the eldest identical twin? My name is Paul Ying and I also happen to be twin too to my brother John Ying. My brother and I are fraternal twins if you can catch my drift. So the two of you were born in California. I should say one of you Olsen twins would like to go out on a date with me. But I don’t think you know where I am right now. My mom knows about you two.

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