Hey Yoshimi, Battle This…

More white lies from the Detroit duo uncovered.

The White Stripes seem to invite conspiracy theories. From misleading statements regarding their relationship to ill-advised promotional agreements with Japanese automobile manufacturers, Jack and Meg White tend to cause a stir. Where there’s smoke there’s fire and if the White Stripes are involved you can bet Glorious Noise will get to the bottom of it.

Meg White undressed!Perusing the Web last I week I came across a site that claims to uncover yet another White Stripes conspiracy. One so devious and bizarre it could be taken as a hoax until you dig deeper and look at the clues. The White Stripes Conspiracy Reader suggests that the Stripes have constructed an elaborate scheme to hoodwink fans and cover up a rock and roll tragedy as heartbreaking as the Beatles’ failed attempt to hide Paul McCartney’s death in the 1960s. In fact, this story bears eerie similarities in that Meg White was actually killed in a car accident and replaced, not by a look-alike, but a robot!

Glorious Noise contacted the owner of the Reader, one Wilhelmina Wonka, and discussed this latest conspiracy. The interview, though evasive at times, sheds new light on the workings of the White Stripes and the fear Jack White can instill in honest, hard working people.

GLONO: These are truly disturbing developments. Do you fear for your safety?

Wonka: Jack seems like a gentleman; I’m not losing any sleep. But, I am a little afraid that you will put my birth certificate online in the name of cracking my secret identity and spreading the truth.

Immediately, Wonka deflects any questions that may raise Jack White’s dander and tries to establish a kinship with him by referencing GLONO’s controversial posting of his marriage license and certificate of divorce. The fear is palpable and we wonder if Wonka has in fact been threatened by the notoriously violent Jack White.

GLONO:Has anyone from the White Stripes organization contacted you?


Cagey, but not very convincing. The secret of any good interview is to put your subject at ease. I quickly redirect the conversation to the facts.

GLONO:How did you discover the conspiracy?

Wonka:It came to me like a lightning bolt. Like an epiphany.

GLONO:What do you think is the purpose? Is Jack up to something more than just writing and recording? Is something more sinister afoot?

Wonka:I suppose the purpose would be to keep the band together. Jack did what he had to do. Besides, robots do not necessarily have to be evil. I think you’re projecting. I’ve never met her, but I’ve heard Megbot is quite sweet. I bet Jack is up to a lot of things, but I can’t believe they’re sinister.

And so it seems our source has been corrupted. What is Wonka talking about? Of course robots are evil! And why else would Jack White have a robot drummer but for sinister purposes? I decided to try to expose Wonka for the mis-information propagandist that he/she is by asking direct questions on undisputable facts.

GLONO:I’ve heard that robots are powered by human brains, much like zombies. Does the MegBot eat human brains? If so, what race does she like to eat best?

Wonka:I’ve never heard that. Megbot seems to be a gas/electric hybrid. Again, I think perhaps you’re letting some latent childhood trauma cloud your judgment. What was it, a bad experience at Chuck E. Cheese? You can tell me. I won’t laugh. It might help to say it out loud.

Wonka again tries to turn the tables and direct the questioning to me. But the question remains, if the MegBot is not evil, then what else could it be for? Perhaps to lead the youth of America into the lustful tar pits of robot love?

GLONO:Does the MegBot do anything besides drum?

Wonka:It blushes.

Reeeeaaaally? Logic dictates that if a robot has nothing to hide then it will not feel shame. Why would a robot blush? What is the MegBot hiding? More importantly, why does it sit silently by as its brother/ex-husband/master sways the crowd with baby talk and swilly blues riffs? Given recent events, we can assume certain affiliations between Jack White and his evil robot.

GLONO:Is this at all related to terrorist activity?

Wonka:That’s ridiculous. You really are afraid of robots aren’t you?

GLONO:Are the Strokes part of this?

Wonka:I don’t have any evidence to suggest that they are connected in any way. When it comes to secrets, the fewer people who know the truth the better. I believe Jack acted alone, although Meg’s family must know.

The Strokes revealed?
The Strokes revealed?
Finally, a crack in the story. When it comes to secrets, three people can keep it if two are dead. But what if one is a pasty guitar hypnotist, another one is dead and has been replaced with a robot, and the last one is a New York darling band?! The relationship between the Strokes and White Stripes is well known. It’s as close an association as Adolf and Benito, Osama and Saddam, or Arnold and Willis.

GLONO:Is Julian Casablancas a robot!?

Wonka:While the notion that all our favorite artists could be robots is a seductive one, I think that is pretty implausible.

Implausible but not impossible. GLONO is now in the process of tracking down the Strokes to assess the possibility of they’re being robots. Stay tuned to this site for updates.

I had one more question to satisfy my own personal curiosity. Wonka was evasive as expected.

GLONO:How did they make the MegBot’s boobs look so real? I mean, why can’t they apply that technology to strippers? Or are strippers actually inferior robots!?

Wonka:Well, I did speculate that Jack made a pact with the devil at the crossroads. I don’t think that’s for everyone though.


Photos of Meg and the Strokes via the Robot Group

45 thoughts on “Hey Yoshimi, Battle This…”

  1. C’mon, you’re not fooling me, your robot Strokes are nothing but the left over props from the movie Cobra, starring Sylvester Stallone. Which I hear is quite entertaining dubbed into spanish, BTW.

  2. I’ll give you cagey and evasive, but I thought it was fairly obvious I am neither honest, nor hardworking. Clever headline…

  3. So, Jack’s puppet replies. Answer me this, Wonka: What is it Jack and his gang of henchmen holding over your head? I fear that what you started in good faith (that which exposed Jack White and his sinister plans) has now come to serve his cruel vision. You, Wonka, are Jack White’s Stepford Wife!

  4. So now I’m the robot? The irony is not lost on me, but come on Phillips, you’re just being paranoid. Quit wasting my time, I’ve got to get back to Jack’s laundry. The last time I hurried I accidentally washed his white shirts with his red trousers and turned everything pink. He was so disappointed in me….

  5. And so Wonka tries again to deflect with self-deprecating humor. But we’re on to you, Wonka. And once we track you and your dark master down, we’ll send out the Glorious Noids to bring you down. Remember, you can’t avoid the Noid!

  6. Wow, Heres a thought, Could megbot really have been created to venge for all the deaths at the local FORD plant down the street form Jacks home town? I know its an issue

  7. Ah, I suspected this all along. No one belived me, until now, I will present them with the evidence. Those unbeliving fools…..

  8. i bet Meg is looking down at us and pointing and laughing. Unless her pointing-and-laughing finger was broken in the accident. Maybe Wonka will “discover” that piece of evidence next…

  9. Wonka has to be the most demented person in the history of mankind. one thing has been made clear to me and that is that american society is completely fucked up. no wonder you start wars. any way if anyone’s a programmed robot it’s the american public

  10. Who cares? MegBot is VERY hot, and if Wonka ever manages to uncover the design and blueprints Jack used to build her, i’m making one straightaway! Same size boobs and everything!

  11. I KNEEEEW it!

    That peacefull grin on her cute face is PURE EVIL. Bet they get her parts and supplys from Sony/Microsoft/Virgin/other colossal corporation feeding of teenage brains (and money).

    Ah, what a conspiracy! Has anyone called the Feds yet?

    PS. She so must be pals with Roland McDonald, that sweet MegBot of ours!

  12. There is really NO truth to this rumor.On Wonkas site when she,uh,’confesses’,shes joking around.Duh.And Meg was interviewed alone with Blender.

  13. Zephy, you obviously THINK you know when Meg is joking, but you don’t! The Megbot has been programmed with a highly sophisticated sense of humor that is clearly WAY over your head. And you might THINK Meg was interviewed alone for Blender, but were you there? Did you see who was in the room with her? Don’t be sucker, Zephy. This is the TRUTH. Meg White is a robot. The sooner you get used to the idea, the safer you will be…

  14. I dont really think wonka is being serious, because the most sophisticated robot ever built (by honda) is fat and looks like an astronaut. Check it out at http://www.honda.com . Wonka is obviously probing american society to see the embarassing results that are outputted.

  15. “…the most sophisticated robot ever built…” That you KNOW about. Do you really think the Man lets you know everything? Some things are kept secret for a reason!

  16. i don’t think i’ve ever actually heard meg talk…i bet in the interviews it’s just jack speaking *for* her, through a voice-box with ventriloquist skills.

  17. Oh dear oh dear oh dear!! what DO we have here? Some little ginger kid trying to make a living? Stop being so pathetic wanka, sorr i mean wonka go back to ur chocolate factory and think of something new, this is boring now, meg is obviously not a robot, just because she doesnt smile and because she has a hearing aid? Grow up!

  18. This is way too ridiculous, but as is, funny as hell.

    And hey, it’s not all of us Americans wanting to start wars. Just the orn’ry Texan ones.

  19. i dont think you should talk like this of that band because i think is a very good band. if you really say that they were married why dont you prove it? i dont think that jack make a pact with the devil , thats absourd .

    that makes me think that you are jealous of them.

    if you have something to say to me , send me an e-mail , ill be wating for it

    ps : i cant belive that you can say that meg its a robot that its crazy!!

  20. wonka, you set as a clue that in the lyrics of the song “hotel yorba” say “grab your umbrella” Robots can’t get wet or they will short circuit.

    2.Meg dumped water on herself after a performance.

    and you answered:

    2. She’s waterproof.

    if you say that, then why you set the part of the song “grab your umbrella” if you say she’s waterproof????

    your contradicting yourself

    i hope you answer me wonka

  21. It’s hard not to contradict oneself when discussing Jack, as he is by nature a very duplicitous person (public / private, brother / ex, rockstar/gentleman, mad scientist / humble citizen.)

    However, the statement that Megbot is waterproof was found in the letters section of my site and was made by reader Woody Brown, not myself. That said, it is not necessarily even a contradiction as the Megbot could have been waterproofed between the penning of “Hotel Yorba” and the alleged water-dousing incident.

    Am I being serious? I’ll never tell. But, if you can’t figure it out, you need to hit the books. Whether you choose to learn about engineering or satire is up to you.

  22. You either have to much time on your hands or you are truly all crazy. How can you compare Meg to being a robot? First… remember her breaking her arm before the tour? In an interview with rolling stone she even seemed to the reporter to be ‘high’ from the pain killers and Makers Mark she was drinking(it was raining by the way)… fuck it, why even waste my time on this pointless parinoia backed up by ‘onion skin’ plausibility.

  23. Did you ever stop to think maybe Meg White is the only one that is not a robot? Maybe we were all made by Ford and they implanted certain images and mechanisms in our brains to make us believe that we actually recreate our own species. Kinda we are in the Matrix and Meg White is “the one.” ???? Welcome to the real world.

    Learn to love a little, laugh a little…

  24. If Meg’s a robot, I’m just a brain in a jar, and all of YOU are just part of my dream…

    Great site, Wonka. I see you put some time into it, you seem very intelligent. I got quite a laugh out of that.

    Actually, after reading some of the lyrics evidence, you almost had me convinced. Almost. There just seems to be so much evidence against it. You know, that thing called common sense?

    As for “The Man” keeping all of this away from us:

    “If the government decides to shove an electric tracking device right up your ass, you take it, and you had better like it!”

    -Red Forman, “That 70’s Show”

    Finally, I come to my last point. So what? So what if Meg is a robot? She’s still beautiful, and she’s still a great drummer.

    …and I’m done.

  25. Hilarious! What’s more hilarious than the notion of Megbot is all the people who are offended by it! If she’s not a robot, then what we have is a hilarious website. I say if you are in the public eye people will make up stories about you. Some will be plausible, some will be ridiculous. Some like this will be just plain funny. If she is a robot, ummm, good work Jack. Not only does she drum with simplistic riffs reminiscent of Ringo Starr in the early sixties, but she’s actually quite human-looking. She’s quite attractive actually…. mmm Megbot :) ROFL

    No matter what you say about Meg – bot or not, the White Stripes ROCK!!!!!

  26. im a big fan of them i have some of there cds but I read eveything on wonkas site. and it’s quite Convincing. I also did notice how that on the cover of elephant that “M.E.G. 2.0” had a cord wrapped around her leg.

  27. Nice thought, but really. Some of the “evidence” could pertain to anything.

    Aluminum- the sound robots make?

    Um, I hope you’re referring to the song (it is kinda machine-y), but this PARTICULAR robot (or android, a better word) doesn’t make Aluminum sounds. She talks and bashes the drums. I’m quite convinced Miss Wonka is joshing. It’s a pretty far-fetched idea you’re throwing out there.

  28. What if Wonka is a robot!?!?!?

    *starts accusing everyone for being a robot and ends up smashing her own head with a giant spoon*

    Insane…not sane..sane insane..not sane… insane… mental illness… or insane!? Sane, no ? insane, yes? sane yes? not sane sane not maybe insane….


    *sighs* aaaaaaaaaaah… mushroom mushroom….

  29. Hi, I’m stupid and don’t have any sense! I like to make up things about people because I have no life and am an obese cat living in a tub.

    Good day to you know.

  30. Ok, which is harder to believe:

    1.) Meg is a robot

    2.) I am an obese cat who lives in a tub?

    Maybe if I was an obese cat kept in a tub by an evil scientist who connected my brain to wires allowing me to communicate via this computer…

    How could you forget an element so cliche as the evil genius? You will never be me, though I do admire you for trying.

  31. wonka you´re the most disgusting person i´ve ever seen….you are a big big bitch…and you have nothing to do in your own life and yuo starting caring about other´s life…of grow up your mother fucker….hahaha…tell me,why would jack ADMIT meg is an android in the end of the music un the vynil…hahaha you´re PATHETIC my dear,pathetic….

  32. You know, I find this MegBot issue quite amusing and fascinating, the only thing more amusing is comments like this…”youve got to be a moron to accually think meg is a robot!” WOW. YOU’VE GOT TO BE A MORON TO TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY. That is all. Have a nice day.

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