Periodically, there are reports that the nation is becoming enmired in its own fat. Young and old alike, the avoirdupois ratings continue to climb—or maybe that’s expand.

So it is interesting to note a campaign backed by the Dave Matthews Band that’s dedicated to convincing people to shed 2,000 pounds. No, not 2,000 pounds of fleshy bulk—not even those people who get trapped in their own houses tip the Toledo at a ton—but of CO2. Yes, we’re talking about cutting down the generation of a greenhouse gas. While that is a good thing, the situation is not entirely unalloyed. There’s something somewhat incongruous about the “One Sweet Whirled” campaign, which is also sponsored by SaveOurEnvironment.org and Ben Cohen and Jerry Greenfield—better known as Ben & Jerry. That’s right, the Vermont ice cream purveyors.

The clever creators of Phish Food and Cherry Garcia have created a new flavor, which gives rise to the name of the campaign. “One Sweet Whirled” is a spin on “One Sweet World” from the Dave Matthews Band’s Remember Two Things album.

What is troubling about this initiative to reduce global warming is that it has the potential to do quite the opposite. Just think of all of the pints of ice cream that the band’s fans are likely to consume. The more they eat, the bulkier they get. The bulkier they get, the more gravitational pull they have on other objects. Friction is created. Which gives rise to heat. Which gives rise to efforts to counter the heat, through, well, eating more ice cream. Which necessitates a greater number of freezers and reefer trucks to deliver the ice cream. Soon a giant ozone hole forms over major cities. . . .

23 thoughts on “Sweets!”

  1. but if you fill it with with dope smoke, we’ll get the munchies – eat more junk food – create bigger holes. God, it’s a vicious circle that can only end in death for us all. I’m moving to the land of the thin, Canada. I’m not sure if they have the internet there yet, though. This may be my last post.

  2. jeez! this all sounds pretty pessimistic…isn’t such a bad way for it all to end though…eating ice-cream and junk food and smoking pot…

  3. jeez! this all sounds pretty pessimistic…isn’t such a bad way for it all to end though…eating ice-cream and junk food and smoking pot…

  4. Can we throw in some metal anthems, a quick make-out session, and six pack of beer? If so, I’m willing to say that we humans have had a good run but our time’s up.

  5. Ah, fooey. Global warming isn’t going to punch our collective tickets: my money’s still on good old-fashioned nuclear annihilation. Global warming takes too long.

  6. I don’t know, fat people, naked, making out, this isn’t sounding so good good all of a sudden…

  7. You have to take into account the “end of the world” factor. It’s quite similar to beer goggles except you’re not drunk.

  8. Right, so you combine those three things and I’m quite positive drunk, stoned, fat, nude people making out with ice cream running down their chins won’t be so offensive.

  9. Pine Knob!? Are you a Detroiter? :)I am. Grateful Dead at Pine Knob….drunk, stoned ice-cream freaks…. it’s allllll good.

  10. Maybe that was the Grateful Dead’s true purpose in life? To prepare us for the coming apocolypse by teaching us to enjoy our own stoned, sweaty, ice-cream covered bodies?

Leave a Reply