Iron Man. . .or Is That Goldfinger?

This would have been an episode of The Osbournes worthy of the TiVo. Ozzy and Sharon had their fuckin’ mansion in Buckinghamshire knocked off by some daft punk. Despite the fact that Oz tackled the brute, he reportedly escaped by jumping out of a window 30 feet above the ground of the £5-million mansion. Off he went with such things as a 24-carat sapphire, a 10-carat diamond, a passel of pave diamonds, a South Sea pearl necklace with diamond clasp. . .and other assorted knickknacks valued at some £2-million. Think on that for a moment: The whole fucking pile of bricks (I now realize that I’ve not been using the fucking word “fucking” a sufficient number of times here such that you’ll get the fucking sense that this is fucking authentic) is valued at £5 mil and the fucking cutpurse walked off with £2 mil. All I can say is: fuck me, that’s a lot of fuckin’ bling.

Without a doubt, Ozzy is pissed. No, that’s not right. That is, “pissed” as in “mad,” not “pissed” as in “fucking drunk.” He is quoted as saying: “I worked for every goddamn penny and when somebody comes who hasn’t worked and wants to take what’s yours, you know it pisses me off big time.” Fuckin’ A. Actually, Oz, most of us don’t know because even though we’ve worked, we don’t have £2 fucking mil of loot for someone to jack. (FYI: on November 23, 2004, the British pound was worth $1.87, so we’re talking about a lot of money. A lot of fucking money.)

“I could have been like George Harrison—I could have been badly injured or anything,” Oz told reporters. He was referring to Harrison as stabbing victim (1999), not Harrison as musician. Or anything.

Fuck.