“Penthouse suite? My girlfriends and I have always wanted to…”

In a recent straw poll, a majority of men agreed: besides Anse Lazio beach and philly cheese steak pizza from Domino’s, there’s little in this world more beautiful than the above phrase. Seth was the star of last night’s “OC,” since he heard that statement, in “the Vegas,” while staying at the top of the Hard Rock. If that’s my life, I’m ordering in some Domino’s and hanging my hat. But in the usual “OC” fashion, it turned out to be bullshit. The friendly local lovely was actually a lady of questionable virtue, mistaking Seth and Ryan for Texas hold ’em high rollers, and the entire bit turned into A Lesson Learned when her greasy daddy showed up. Does Wayne Brady need to choke a bitch? But Summer showed up in the Vegas too, helping to assuage the situation. She also quickly made up with Seth, evidently quite happy to choose the Hebrew Homeboy over the objections of her father. It’s weird that Summer’s dad was such a maniac about Cohen. I mean, he supported Alex’s dreams of being a ballerina all those years ago in the steel mill. Whatever – Seth was also the man at the onset of last night’s show, since he got the final word when confronting Summer about her silent treatment. And just like booking the penthouse at the Hard Rock, that almost NEVER happens in real life.

While the boys were in the Vegas listening to the new Beastie Boys single, Julie Cooper was busy making Kirsten miserable over plans for her bachelorette party. It’s a convention borrowed most notably from “Saved by the Bell,” this business of supposed mortal enemies somehow hanging out all the time. But like any of its stylistic references, “The OC” expertly subverts the device, twisting it into a hip version 2.0 that’s both self-referential and effortlessly unique. Later, back in Vegas, Sandy discovers Caleb’s dastardly plot to resell the Lighthouse land at a premium. That old gag? Naturally, it sets up The Confrontation. But where most shows would settle for a shaken fist, a Jimmy Durante impersonation, and a “You’ll never get away with this!”, “The OC” has Jimmy Cooper tag in at the last moment and deliver a roundhouse to the White Devil’s smug-ass jaw. Try to use my daughter against me now!

Speaking of Jimmy’s daughter, the Doe Eyed Fawn was back in Newport babysitting Ryan’s dark-eyed Chino ladyfriend. Not only has that articulated facial hair guy from “Six Feet Under” been beating her, but the poor girl’s pregnant, too. And this is where “The OC” runs into trouble. Despite his status as the dramatic lynch pin, Ryan’s character has deteriorated as the season has played out. Even as the ensemble cast has strengthened around him, Chino has been reduced to a series of facial ticks and fitful relationship gestures. It’s bad that he and the Doe Eyed Fawn can’t figure out their relationship. But it’s worse that we don’t really care if they do. Their hurtful eyes and awkward passages have become a detriment. “Just spit it out!” we want to scream at them. It’s more muddled with the revelation of Theresa’s pregnancy, since a pained look is all we get to suggest that Ryan might be the father. Of course the Fawn freaks out. Of course, Chino can’t say shit when she drops the bomb. Shit, maybe he and the dark-eyed ex did do the deed – we’ll find out next week in the finale. But it’s irritating that “The OC”‘s craftiness and subtlety seems to fail it whenever this plot line comes around.

Theories on the finale? Maybe Caleb’s actually a warlock, and an errant spell gets the entire cast stuck inside their TVs on an episode of “The Valley.” No? All right, Seth and Ryan go undercover at the Petting Zoo with Todd from accounting, trying to get a message to Luke’s gay dad that Marissa is back together with Oliver and Chino needs backup to kick the kook’s ass. Ridiculous! Well, whatever the endgame, “The OC” will be missed this summer, which has little to offer besides Tina Fey’s Mean Girls and the new Beasties record. What are we going to do to pass the time? We’ll need some other slow glowing dream to dance right through our lives and land on GloNo’s front page, where we’ll discuss it just to make the haters seethe.

Mung!

JTL

Be sure to read our previous coverage of “The OC”: Go Ahead With Your Own Life, Leave Me Alone, Razzmatazz and Stud Finders, Subdue the Hebrew Honey, What’s Your Obsession, Escape to The OC, and Cali Is Where They Put They Mack Down.