The OC: Your Powers Won’t Save You

Fists clenched like a caged animal...The White Devil is not an innocent man. But I believe him when he denies bribing those city commissioners, mostly because his line about Sanford’s crappy cooking was a classic. And that means someone’s setting Caleb up, and I’ll bet you Tate Donovan’s beard she’s got Gucci nameplates nestled between her fakies. Julie Cooper can’t stand what the Cohens have – heart – so like any villainous soap opera bitch, she’s determined to destroy them. Cue the steely-eyed glares, eavesdropped conversations, and clammy Machiavellian handshakes.

Julie’s twisted motives and general superficiality will always prevent her from connecting with Marissa, no matter how many ponies or facials she buys her. But just as her scheming mind gives Julie’s trashiness depth, Marissa’s dirty bird secrets make her coquettish jibberish and watery Sailor Moon eyes much less annoying. Episode two finds she and Chino reverting immediately to their irritating method of dating via meaningful glances and misread signals. But it’s also revealed that in addition to her boozing, Marissa’s been blasting a John Basedow-looking yard guy all summer. She’s still the show’s most irritating character. But that even doe-eyed fawn Marissa has two sides makes this season’s “OC” simmer nicely.

On the Cohen front there are flare-ups, too. The abrupt return of Seth and Ryan has put Kirsten at ease (she even looks to have gained a few LBs). But her father’s impending prosecution has moral lynchpin Sandy going nuts, and in a crucial scene he jaws at Kirsten like Andy Garcia on a three-day coke binge. Sandy later stands up to defend Caleb, as the White Devil is cuffed in front of the family and steaming pad Thai. But it’s clear that even in paradise there are juicy problems brewing. And this is before Julie’s even made a move.

Sandy and Kirsten’s scion, of course, is a walking problem factory. Dark Lord of the Seth was left in Portland in favor of neurotic comic book freak Seth, who’s determined to win Summer back. Problem is he has no new game to bring to the fight, and Summer’s right when she tells him he left her hanging. Because the “OC” is a self-aware soap, the inaugural member of Seth’s comic book club is a towheaded, comic-loving water polo player who also happens to be nice, funny, and giving the high hard one to Summer. At first it seems like a gag, like last season when a funnier guy threatened to usurp Seth’s jokeman dominance. But as he and Ryan return to the last year’s scene of the crime, season two of the “OC” takes a turn for the awesome.

Ah, the kickoff carnival. Last year it was South serenading Ryan and Marissa as they kissed on the ferris wheel; this year it’s Chino’s balls finally dropping as he refuses Marissa’s advances and pretty much tells her to fuck off. Meanwhile Seth is frantically trying to recreate his old moves, floundering on a giant hot dog as he tries to profess his love for Summer. Thankfully, she doesn’t go for it. Thankfully? Yes, because if Seth and Ryan had returned to Newport and the arms of their respective girlfriends, season two would’ve been a wash, a bid for cheap youth-baiting complacency. Instead Summer fires off a convincing speech at Cohen, telling him he’s all about the chase, and not the resolution. “You had me in a freaking Wonder Woman costume!” He and Ryan are left standing alone, for opposite reasons but the same result for us – better television. Now the show can focus on a new plotlines; can continue to saddle Marissa, its weakest character, with dimension-adding drinking, drugging, and illicit yard guy fucking; can make Seth crazy about not having Summer, and hopefully draw out his episode one dark side; and can keep its parental characters worried and mad, ’cause someone’s trying to take them all down.

It doesn’t take an architect to see what’s building.


Be sure to read all of the Glorious Noise coverage of The O.C. It’s good.

28 thoughts on “The OC: Your Powers Won’t Save You”

  1. I dunno, you made the episode sound better than it was. It was filled with some of the worst writing in series history (“I’ll have to look into AP Science courses for you if you want to be…. an architect!”) As long as Marissa is on the show it will also have some of the worst acting on TV. Screw it, hold out for 60 minutes and tune in to North Shore, where there’s more Hailey, a lot less whining, more bikinis, more backstabbing, more surfing, an equal number of indie pop songs, and equally low-caliber dialogue.

    Or, watch both. You know you want to.

  2. Oh, give Marissa a break, you never know next year she may be the one bestowed with awesome dialogue…it seems Seth has pass the baton to Summer.

  3. Am i going to have to personally shoot/stab/burn/blow up/catapult or otherwise destroy your TV?

    I don’t even know what the hell this show is, but my 52 year-old mother wanted to tape it the other day when she couldn’t be at home. She’s mid-life crisising/menopausal – what’s your excuse?

  4. Hey f*ckface, you know you can say “fuck” here, right?

    And if you don’t like the subjects we cover at GLONO, get your own website. Love it or leave it; it’s the American way. Then again, so is criticizing shit you happily admit to having never seen. So whoopdie-doo. God bless America, and God bless the OC.

  5. I finally watched this season’s first two episodes. And I just remembered that I stopped watching it last year about halfway through the season, ha ha.

    I’ve gotta say, Chino is a much more charismatic actor so far this year than he used to be. Marissa is as bad as ever though. Man, that girl cannot act. I almost feel sorry for her for being such a lousy actress. I’m sure her friends make fun of her. I sure would.

    One more thing: do I have a cheap tv or is Seth and Summer’s mumbling often unintelligibly muffled?

  6. eh? wow, I REALLY feel sorry for people who almost feel sorry for lousy actresses on lousy shows. at least the lousy actress is getting paid to be a lousy actress, while jake just sits and home being plain old lousy.

    breaks my heart.

  7. Seth mumbles because the makeup caked on his face keeps him from enunciating. I’ll give Summer a pass anytime.

    F*cker your momma has got it going on!

  8. eh? wow, I REALLY feel sorry for people who almost feel sorry for lousy actresses on lousy shows. at least the lousy actress is getting paid to be a lousy actress, while jake just sits and home being plain old lousy.

    breaks my heart.

    Actually, Jake is on a Lousy World Tour to promote his new book, Words of Wisdom: Go F*ck Yourself. He’s spreading his lousy rantings from coast to coast. Check him out this Friday at the Hideout in Chicago.

  9. I have a feeling that f*ck glono watches this show with shades drawn, trowsers down and a box of Aloe Kleenex at the ready.

  10. ooooooh! so THAT’S why all you little perverts watch this show! i knew there had to be some reason – all the indie tracks are just an excuse to watch some good old fashioned t&a!

    well, now that i understand it, i guess i no longer care.

  11. I hope you aren’t letting this fucker get to you… are we going to see one of your stellar reviews of the latest episode? You know – the one with the Lindsay Lohan wannabe and Seth getting a job cleaning toilets for Walkmen tickets.

  12. Stay tuned to this Web site for a very special two-episode “OC” recap. The only thing hotter than Newport Beach is Glorious Noise!


  13. Seth should be getting some money for these [url=]Chrismukkah Cards[/url]

  14. Yeah, during the pledge drive a couple weeks ago, Ira Glass kept playing “California” for some reason and talking about the OC.

  15. I’m from Australia…Melbourne to be exact. The OC has just only really started here in OZ and clothing comps already have a t-shirt or a singlet with this on it “LOVE THE O.C” and I think it’s really stupid. At first I found the programe interesting but really there is nothing special about it. Hey Johnny I saw you on that White Stripes DVD! wacky!

    Cheers, Soylatte

  16. The oc rox! Stop sayn Marissa can’t act! okay i’ll admit she’s not gr8 but she’s not that bad either!!! I’ve seen much worse! once again the oc ROX!!!!! Poor Ryan! Bet T will turn up on his doorstep when the baby’s born! (Bet it’s a boy!!!)

  17. Iz very very nice, and whot of the last year of program.. just can deny in the second puntates of this season!

    in the end.. alla watz war you it’s silgle single rain. gud bai!


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