In the preview for next week?s episode of ?The OC,? Chino and the Doe Eyed Fawn are seen walking purposefully away from the camera, throwing indifferent glances back at the lens. ?You want us, bitches? Come and get us.? And in that fleeting moment they are John Wisdom and Karen Simmons, running from the law, the press, and the parents and liberating blue blood cash for the benefit of Californian shift workers. I wouldn?t count Josh Schwartz out of a Wisdom reset just yet, and honestly that would be pretty badass. But instead he?s framed Marissa?s season finale shooting of Trey as the busted cap that brought she and Ryan together. After the brooding, bitter tears, breakups, and lawn guy/brainy girl boning, it?s finally true: every inland street thug needs a long limbed lady. Mur-Durrr!

Of course, now the happy couple have been branded as Bonnie & Clyde by their high school, and the Fawn is back to square one with her mother. ?I know what you did,? she exclaims, airing her knowledge of Julie Cooper?s Trey-bribe. ?I just want you out of my life!? or ?Ah don?t wahnt Your lahfe!? or whatever. The problem isn?t the Fawn ? that goddamned trembling lip of hers will never go away. It?s Julie, who has lost all the progress she made through the end of last season. What happened to the hardened and shallow, but ultimately pragmatic Julie who teamed up with World?s Best Dad Sanford Cohen to battle Kirsten?s alcoholism? What happened to her endearing, knife-edged self-deprecation during the Porn Identity fiasco? Instead, with Caleb dead the woman?s the only devil in town, and there?s evil on her mind.

The old Chino-as-Gulag Archipelago hyperbole burned anew as Julie branded Ryan a murderous scourge, a darkness on the edge of town preying on the fragile Prada souls of Newport?s porcelain youth. The White Devil spoke through her as she brandished the Pillow of Death above a recovering Trey, forcing him to save her daughter by incriminating his own brother as the shooter. (Never mind creepy-ass Horatio Caine?s interjection that the bullet path would?ve never matched up. This shit isn?t CSI: OC.) Trey did it (for the oddly 1980s-sounding figure of $20,000), but one look at The Fawn and Summer in their candy striper outfits and he was signing a confession to the contrary. Newsflash: the ever-plucky Summer is still “The OC”‘s best and most important character.

Now that Julie?s nefarious plot has been perforated by the love of a coquette for her mean streets golem (Summer: ?What does Ryan eat?” Seth: ?Dry cereal from the box and black coffee.?), maybe the reinserted Jimmy?ll take his balls out of that lock box in his boat. What the fuck? It was painful watching him simper to Julie?s plan ? WBD Sandy even had to take him by his ear and give him the ?What happened to you, man?? speech. Jimmy Cooper?s back on the show? Great. Just don?t make him a eunuch to that chromium bitch.

Trey makes a Seagal-in-Hard to Kill-like recovery, going from post-comatose spirit fingers to surly Greyhound bus passenger in roughly 24 hours. After watching the bus rumble off Chino hangs his head in the crook of Sandy?s shoulder, and it?s more emotion than we?ve ever seen from Ol? Fencepost. Must be the new, boyish haircut. Anyway, you know Trey?ll be back. Maybe he?ll hook up with that ex-boyfriend of Julie Cooper?s, Amateur Extortionist Lance. He didn?t make a lot of cash on Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid, so maybe he?ll come crawling back to ?The OC,? this time with footage of Julie in Logjammin’ opposite Karl Hungus.

But before Trey comes skulking back to town, and while Julie gets preoccupied with quelling the Fawn?s Inland Thug Rebellion, it?s time for Seven of Nine to fuck with Kirsten?s alcoholism-recovering head. Is she a lesbian ninja? A cenobite? An old flame of Sandy?s who pulled a Patty Hearst and disappeared into the Los Angeles underground? Wait, that?s taken. No, she?s the daughter of Dr Christian ?White Angel? Szell, sent into Kirsten?s rehab getaway to torture her into revealing the access codes to Caleb?s offshore accounts. ?Is it safe??

One more thing: what was going on with that beach frolic scene? Was that the same show, or more references to young P-Gallagher in Summer Lovers?

JTL

Songs featured in this episode:

• “Beretta” by Manishevitz from City Life

• “Hide Another Mistake” by The 88 from Over and Over

• “Song For No One” by Ian Broudie from Tales Told

• “Way To Go” by Teen Wolf

• “Blue Light (Engineers Anti-Gravity Mix)” by Bloc Party from Silent Alarm Remixed

Photo courtesy of The OC Files. Be sure to catch up on all of the previous Glorious Noise OC coverage.