Finally. After months of neglect, those mean brats at Buddyhead came back with a giant, 6,000-word gossip update and simultaneously reintroduced the word “jive” into the lexicon as the ultimate pejorative. Welcome back, fucktards!

Some highlights…

On Jesus and Mary Chain: “Well here’s the bummer part… Besides the Reid brothers openly admitting in the press that they’re still not on good terms with each other, and are only really doing the reunion for the dough, we’ve also heard that instead of going the obvious route and calling up Hope Sandoval to sing all the female vocal parts, William and Jim are letting Justin Timberlake’s slam piece, Scarlett Johansson, sing those songs. This is an obvious neglection of the very important “NO ACTORS ON STAGE” rule. Especially when said girl has a man voice, and was in Home Alone 3. If this rumor is true, and she does end up on stage with JAMC, Buddyhead will be rewarding anyone who can welcome that poser to rock n’ roll by tagging her with a cup of beer. We’re talking cash prizes here kids. Do us proud.”

More highlights after the jump…

On Pearl Jam’s Mike McCready: “Dude, you went from some shitty wannabe Stevie Ray Vaughn stee-lo in the 90’s, to lookin’ like an overweight stunt double for Brian Baker from Bad Religion. Yer BLOWING the entire live show for the band. Shitty cock rock wah-wah solos, and throwing pics into the crowd every 5 seconds in your board shorts and spiky lesbian gym coach haircut? Just when we wanna try to fully back Pearl Jam, you make it impossible for us to do so. Eddie, Stoney… pull this geek aside and have a fashion/stage moves intervention on him, PLEASE.”

On the Stooges’ Asheton brothers: “You guys would be better off kicking out Iggy and starting a new band with somebody else. Fuck, David Lee Roth would be a much better idea for a frontman… We’re pretty sure he isn’t doing anything now that the Van Halen reunion tour is off. If you choose to go that route… we got your back again. Think about it… Ron Asheton shredding fuzzed out wah-wah solos in people’s faces while Diamond Dave jumps off the front of Scott’s kit the entire show. It’s a no lose situation.”

On the Smashing Pumpkins: “The sketchiest part about this whole “reunion” thing though, is how the Pumpkins camp isn’t being too eager to announce who the two “not James Iha and D’arcy” people are. In case ya were wondering, the new bass player happens to be Ginger Reyes (formerly of the Halo Friendlies) and the guitar player is a dude named Jeff Schroeder (he used to be in some dorky Silverlake band called The Lassie Foundation). Siiiiiick dudes, real exciting! They originally tried out Eric Avery, but Billy didn’t think he could “keep up”. By the way, Bill… are you ever gonna admit that you and Courtney Love were banging when she was married to Kurt Cobain, and that this probably had more than just a smidge to do with homeboy checkin’ out early?”

On Rolling Stone: “Why don’t you guys stick to what you started writing about back in 1966… ROCK N’ ROLL! The fact that you guys get paid to write about music is a crime. You think My Chemical Romance’s last album is better than Tom Petty’s? You guys writing about music is the equivalent of us getting paid to be astronauts. Yeah, you guessed it… we don’t know shit about outer space!”