Guns N' Roses – Chinese Democracy

Guns N' Roses - Chinese DemocracyGuns N’ RosesChinese Democracy (Interscope)

[13:47] Phil: Chinese Democracy streaming:

[13:47] Jake: you listening?

[13:47] Phil: yep

[13:47] Jake: you just start?

[13:48] Phil: oh wait…it’s clips

[13:48] Phil: dummies

[13:48] Jake: boo

[13:48] Phil: Checking their myspace page now

[13:48] Phil: appears to be streaming there

[13:49] Jake: link?

[13:49] Phil:

[13:49] Phil: ready?

[13:49] Jake: ready

[13:49] Phil: go!

[13:49] Jake: ok

1. chinese democracy

[13:50] Phil: Creepy bird noises and jungle sounds or something

[13:50] Jake: sirens?

[13:50] Phil: Axl in Apocalypse Now

[13:50] Phil: Brando with hair weaves

[13:50] Phil: uh oh!

[13:51] Phil: bitchin’ guitar tone

[13:51] Jake: rifftastic!

[13:51] Jake: perfect scream

[13:51] Jake: i like the double tracked vocals: low voice and screamy voice all quiet in the back

[13:52] Phil: yeah

[13:52] Phil: someone’s been listening to Marilyn Manson’s first album

[13:52] Phil: Of course, this may have been recorded at the same time

[13:52] Jake: you think it sounds dated?

[13:52] Phil: yeah

[13:53] Phil: 1996

[13:53] Phil: maybe 1998

[13:53] Phil: late 90s, just the same

[13:53] Phil: but I dig that weird solo

[13:53] Jake: those riffs are fat, though, and warm.

[13:54] Jake: i mean, it’s slick, and busy as hell, but cool.

[13:54] Jake: waaaaaaaaaaaay over the top!

[13:54] Phil: saying something sounds “dated” to me isn’t necessarily a bad thing, by the way

[13:54] Jake: “you’re out of time” BOOM! explosion!

[13:54] Phil: BOOM!

[13:54] Jake: subtle.

[13:54] Phil: Axl’s ego just exploded!

2. shackler’s revenge

[13:54] Phil: More Manson

[13:55] Phil: Is it Halloween again?

[13:55] Jake: oooh! weird electronic blips.

[13:55] Phil: This is a very digital album so far

[13:55] Phil: I see why all the comparisons to NIN et al.

[13:55] Jake: this sounds silly to me.

[13:55] Phil: It is silly

[13:55] Jake: way too “processed” sounding

[13:56] Phil: It’s a first-person shooter soundtrack

[13:56] Jake: inhuman

[13:56] Jake: a chorus of 50 axls! produced by mutt lange?

[13:56] Phil: ugh

[13:56] Jake: “i don’t believe there’s a reason” either, dude.

[13:57] Phil: a reason for this song

[13:57] Phil: I like the ho ha background vocals

[13:57] Phil: Axl loves the jungle, baby

[13:58] Jake: yeah. ooga booga.

[13:58] Phil: I expect Mighty Joe Young to jump out

3. better

[13:58] Phil: misnomer

[13:58] Jake: (not any) better

[13:58] Phil: well, now it sounds like 1992 GNR

[13:59] Jake: why’s he talking about his heart?

[13:59] Phil: this is like some weird journey through the last 16 years or whatever

[13:59] Jake: yeah, it’s great to hear him sing “craz-zay”

[13:59] Jake: but those noodling guitars are f-ing goofy

[14:00] Jake: woodly woodly woodly

[14:00] Jake: and that falsetto chorus is kinda wimpy.

[14:00] Phil: weeeeeooooo weeeeeooooo

[14:00] Phil: Call me Buckethead

[14:00] Jake: call you nels cline!

[14:01] Phil: oh shit, maybe Nels is on this album. A cast of thousands, after all…

[14:01] Jake: “i never wanted you to be so full of anger”

[14:01] Jake: who’s he talking to?

[14:01] Phil: then stop screaming in my ear, dude

[14:01] Jake: ha!

[14:01] Phil: if these dopes weren’t so angry Axl would be broke

[14:02] Phil: uh oh, Glen Frey solo

[14:02] Jake: totally. the heat is ON!

[14:03] Jake: axl’s lyrics kinda remind me of mike tyson speaking

[14:03] Phil: big words that don’t connect

4. street of dreams

[14:03] Jake: uh oh! ballad!

[14:03] Jake: every rose has its thorn!

[14:03] Jake: WHAT?

[14:03] Jake: what’s that voice?

[14:04] Phil: Grover

[14:04] Jake: it’s like grover doing a duet with axl

[14:04] Phil: Axl should replace his band with Muppets

[14:04] Phil: I would go see that

[14:04] Jake: every other verse: grover then axl

[14:04] Phil: I wouldn’t know who was who

[14:04] Jake: this is so bouncy

[14:04] Jake: AXL ON BROADWAY!

[14:04] Phil: Axl is pretty much a Muppet, right?

[14:04] Jake: “that’s not stardust on my feet” wtf?

[14:04] Phil: Maybe McCartney co-wrote this with him

[14:05] Phil: like “Say Say Say”

[14:05] Jake: animal on drums. that ludes lady on bass.

[14:05] Jake: this is terrible

[14:05] Phil: It’s about how Muppets and humans have a lot more in common than we realize

[14:05] Jake: the cheese factor makes november rain sound subtle.

[14:06] Phil: Man, this is awful

[14:06] Phil: “What I thought was beautiful don’t live inside of you anymore…”

[14:07] Phil: Thanks, Stacey

[14:07] Jake: seriously. blast this into afghanistan and osama will come out with his hands up

[14:07] Phil: “I give up, seriously. Just turn it off”

[14:07] Phil: Oh my God, that hollering at the end

[14:08] Jake: thank god it’s over

5. if the world

[14:08] Phil: ooooh, speaking of Osama

[14:08] Jake: world music!

[14:08] Jake: funky!

[14:08] Phil: WXRT presents Axl Rose and Kaloof Mahoobie at the Old Town School of Folk Music

[14:08] Jake: sounds like a paul’s boutique sample

[14:09] Jake: dumb lyrics again.

[14:09] Phil: dude, blaze that hookah!

[14:09] Phil: but fill it with Camel Lights

[14:09] Jake: this is interesting musically though

[14:09] Phil: sort of

[14:09] Jake: definitely something different…

[14:09] Phil: I wouldn’t listen to this again…ever

[14:10] Jake: this reminds me of those paul’s boutique sample sources. so many of them seem like they oughtta be awesome, but it turns out the dust brothers sampled the best eight bars… and the rest doesn’t hold up.

[14:11] Phil: Hence, the genius of sampling

[14:11] Phil: haters can go eat it

[14:11] Jake: i’m kinda liking this one.

[14:11] Phil: how about now?

[14:11] Jake: i like that guitar solo.

[14:11] Phil: digging that Glen Frey again?

[14:11] Jake: come on.

[14:12] Phil: Guitar Center is paging that dude right now

[14:12] Jake: not the coolest tone, but the playing at least sounds like a human.

[14:12] Jake: slash might’ve played that solo — it just would’ve sounded tougher. less chorus, or whatever.

[14:12] Phil: Nothing on this album sounds human

[14:12] Jake: i like the spanish acoustic solo too.

[14:12] Phil: even that is inhuman

[14:12] Jake: ha

6. there was a time

[14:13] Jake: hey, i’ve got to click an ad

[14:13] Jake: do you?

[14:13] Jake: wtf?

[14:13] Phil: this is like an exercise in soulless music

[14:13] Jake: did you click the ad?

[14:13] Phil: fucking Murdoch

[14:13] Phil: back on now

[14:14] Jake: me too

[14:14] Phil: thanks for interrupting me, asshole

[14:14] Jake: more jungle soundtrack drums

[14:14] Phil: big tone

[14:14] Jake: i’m frankly getting bored with this album already

[14:14] Phil: more weird jungle guys hoofing in the background

[14:14] Phil: yes…boring is apt

[14:15] Phil: not awful, just boring

[14:15] Phil: why would I care about this album?

[14:15] Phil: why would anyone?

[14:15] Jake: because it took forever

[14:15] Jake: and we never thought we’d see it

[14:15] Jake: like santa

[14:15] Phil: Axl should get more efficient and simply score Xbox games

[14:16] Jake: this is total videogame music

[14:16] Phil: this is dull without the ability to shoot hookers in GTA

[14:16] Phil: I like THIS solo

[14:16] Jake: “lonely teardrops”??? really?

[14:16] Phil: or I did up until now

[14:16] Phil: he’s Smokey Robinson!

[14:17] Phil: My teardrops are the life of the party

[14:17] Phil: never lonely

[14:18] Jake: … yawn

[14:19] Phil: I’m sorry, did you say something? I was sleeping with my lonely tears

[14:20] Phil: I like the kids chorus at the very end

[14:20] Jake: good heavens. END ALREADY!

7. catcher in the rye

[14:21] Phil: it takes balls to write a song named after the most notorious book of the 20th Century

[14:22] Jake: yes

[14:22] Phil: but Axl’s never lacked audacity

[14:22] Jake: hardly!

[14:22] Jake: have you seen the video for november rain?

[14:22] Phil: God, will we see another round of videos from this clown?

[14:22] Jake: i hope so.

[14:23] Jake: what’s a few more million dollars?

[14:23] Phil: I can’t believe this is called “Catcher in the Rye”

[14:24] Phil: I’m embarrassed for him now

[14:24] Phil: he really is stunted

[14:24] Jake: i really can’t even come up with anything to say about this.

[14:25] Phil: Did you watch The Office this week?

[14:25] Phil: I can’t wait for Obama to take office

[14:25] Phil: *is this over yet?

[14:26] Jake: you think hillary is going to take the sec of state?

[14:26] Phil: She should be in charge of keeping Axl out of a recording studio for the next eight years

[14:27] Jake: wow.

[14:27] Jake: that blew.

8. scraped

[14:27] Phil: like going to the dentist

[14:27] Phil: how appropriate

[14:27] Jake: oh that’s kind of cool.

[14:27] Jake: ayyy ohhh!

[14:27] Phil: Oompa Loompas!

[14:28] Jake: this could get a bar crowd pumped

[14:28] Phil: Like at 2:15 when bouncers start beating the shit out of people in the alley?

[14:28] Jake: totally

[14:28] Phil: this does sound more like classic GNR

[14:28] Phil: best song so far

[14:29] Phil: probably recorded in 1988

[14:29] Phil: Oompa Loompas added in 2003

[14:29] Jake: yes

[14:29] Jake: that’s a badass riff

[14:29] Phil: and a nice solo

[14:29] Phil: I like

[14:29] Phil: again, best track so far

[14:30] Phil: this really sounds like an Appetite outtake

[14:30] Phil: remastered

[14:30] Jake: yeah. it’s badass.

9. sorry

[14:30] Phil: You should be, Axl

[14:31] Jake: please don’t be a ballad

[14:31] Jake: oh NO!

[14:31] Phil: Babyface???

[14:31] Phil: WTF!?!?!?!

[14:31] Phil: “Don’t want to do it”

[14:31] Phil: did you hear that?

[14:31] Jake: i did.

[14:31] Phil: oh man

[14:31] Jake: “what were you thinking?”

[14:32] Phil: I am laughing out loud now

[14:32] Phil: This is the guy who wrote “Paradise City”?

[14:32] Jake: no, that was izzy.

[14:33] Phil: At least Axl is sorry for us

[14:33] Jake: this is unbelievaburgable.

[14:34] Phil: I want congress to appoint a commission to see that this never happens again

[14:34] Jake: “i’ll kick your ass like i said that i would”

[14:34] Jake: really?

[14:34] Phil: When was this? After Tommy Hilfiger kicked YOUR ass?

[14:35] Jake: it’s getting better as it goes on.

[14:36] Jake: i can imagine stoned teenager really FEELING this.

[14:36] Phil: Dude, there are FIVE more songs

[14:36] Jake: oy.

10. riad n’ the bedouins

[14:37] Jake: shit another ad

[14:37] Jake: you say go this time.

[14:37] Phil: you going?

[14:37] Phil: ok wait

[14:37] Phil: go!

[14:37] Jake: ok

[14:38] Phil: Please don’t go political, Axl

[14:38] Phil: not you too

[14:38] Phil: so far ok…

[14:38] Jake: world politics are a metaphor for what’s going on in his head

[14:38] Phil: I like that hollering

[14:38] Jake: i like it too

[14:39] Jake: seriously, any time axl says “crazy” he’s got me.

[14:39] Phil: I don’t get the Mario Brothers guitar bits that pop in and out of this album

[14:39] Phil: what is that???

[14:39] Jake: i like that though.

[14:39] Phil: you would

[14:39] Phil: go play Zelda, weirdo

[14:40] Phil: there it is again!

[14:40] Jake: what was the name of that game i used to play?

[14:40] Jake: at tom’s?

[14:40] Jake: world of warcraft?

[14:40] Phil: You Don’t Know Jack?

[14:40] Jake: ha

[14:40] Phil: I don’t recall

[14:40] Jake: with the orks and whatnot.

[14:40] Jake: you’d build towns that would manufacture stuff

[14:41] Jake: and then you’d go kick your neighbor’s villages

[14:41] Phil: “Ahhhhh sweet salvation!”

[14:41] Jake: nah, did he really just say that?

[14:41] Phil: yeah

[14:41] Jake: i missed it. thinking about warcraft.

[14:41] Phil: and now his modem can’t connect, I think

[14:41] Phil: again, something from like 1995

[14:41] Jake: i like this jam.

[14:41] Jake: good one.


[14:42] Phil: Fender Rhodes

[14:42] Phil: guitar face

[14:42] Phil: why do I expect him to shout out “Tear down the wall!”

[14:43] Jake: i’m bored again.

[14:43] Phil: so disjointed

[14:43] Phil: “Gonna call myself a private eye”

[14:44] Phil: please do, and see if you can track down the band you were in back in 1988

[14:44] Phil: First clue: Saul Hudson

[14:44] Jake: seriously though: what took so long?

[14:44] Jake: it’s not like this is some mozart shit or something

[14:45] Phil: um, no

[14:45] Jake: it’s just a bunch of dumb rock songs

[14:45] Phil: And this is what made the cut!

[14:45] Jake: with 30-50 guitar parts

[14:45] Jake: on each song

[14:45] Phil: it takes a long time to line up 50 Oompa Loompas for back-up vocals

[14:45] Jake: i’d love to see the take numbers.

[14:46] Jake: “i.r.s. (take 582)”

[14:46] Phil: Does he realize the Beatles recorded 10 albums plus their early solo records in that time?

12. madagascar

[14:46] Jake: big brass intro.

[14:46] Phil: Call in the Russians!

[14:46] Phil: I am a sucker for that shit

[14:46] Jake: electric drums

[14:47] Jake: another f-ing ballad?

[14:47] Phil: Axl is a softy

[14:48] Jake: what is this goofy formula where they start out slow and quiet and then build up all huge and ridiculous?

[14:48] Jake: who is he? queen?

[14:48] Phil: he wishes

[14:48] Phil: Freddy Mercury is still writing better songs than this

[14:48] Jake: good one!

[14:48] Jake: they also recorded about 20 albums in the time it took him to do 2.

[14:49] Phil: Sampling!

[14:49] Jake: mlk?

[14:49] Jake: how dare he?

[14:49] Phil: Now that actually sounds cool!

[14:49] Phil: making up for “One in a Million”

[14:49] Jake: who’s talking to mlk?

[14:50] Jake: is this axl’s version of hip hop?

[14:50] Phil: This sounds like Thrill Kill Kult

[14:50] Jake: yeah. but better.

[14:50] Jake: thicker.

[14:50] Jake: makes me wanna do drugs.

[14:50] Phil: not better than Daisy Chain for Satan

[14:51] Jake: no, nothing’s better than daisy chain for satan.

[14:51] Phil: nothing

[14:51] Jake: oops, and now it’s lame again.

[14:51] Jake: it was cool there for a minute in the breakdown.

[14:51] Phil: yes, do a whole album of that!

[14:51] Phil: epic!

13. this i love

[14:52] Phil: oh shit

[14:52] Jake: this, i do not.

[14:52] Phil: oh hell no

[14:52] Phil: Please, let it die

[14:53] Phil: I think Axl is taking himself very seriously as a singer. Like opera or something

[14:53] Jake: wanna fast forward?

[14:53] Phil: no, we’re professionals

[14:53] Jake: i don’t think i can take this

[14:53] Phil: we owe it to the readers

[14:53] Jake: ok. gulp.

[14:53] Jake: f-ing readers!

[14:53] Phil: but this is horseshit

[14:53] Phil: I hope people appreciate what we’re doing

[14:54] Phil: they should have a parade for us

[14:54] Jake: this makes me want to kick a dog.

[14:54] Phil: I think your dogs would disintegrate at the mere sound of this album

[14:55] Jake: definitely. they would run in circles until they wore out their little legs.

[14:55] Phil: Remember CC Deville from Poison?

[14:55] Phil: I owe him an apology

[14:55] Jake: how come?

[14:55] Phil: these are clearly the worst solos on record

[14:55] Phil: not his

[14:56] Jake: dude, that’s harsh.

[14:56] Phil: well…

[14:56] Phil: I don’t hear an argument

[14:56] Jake: have you heard the “every rose” solo lately?

[14:56] Phil: yes, I have

[14:56] Phil: too recently, in fact

[14:56] Jake: it’s retarded. and you know i don’t use that word loosely.

[14:56] Phil: at least that had a decent song surrounding it (which may make the solo more agregious)

[14:56] Phil: egregious

[14:56] Jake: thank GOD — only one song after this.

[14:56] Jake: this is f-ing painful.

[14:57] Jake: someone needs to takle axl’s piano away from him

[14:57] Jake: or cut off his hands maybe

14. prostitute

[16:24] Phil: More spooky noises…and then some dopey cliche “Seemed like forever and a day”

[16:24] Jake: it creeps me out when axl tries to sound gentle

[16:24] Jake: “if my intentions are misunderstood, please be kind…”

[16:24] Phil: like when your abusive step-dad tries to talk sports with you

[16:24] Phil: “how was school today, kid-o?”

[16:25] Jake: this is lite rock. the strings?

[16:25] Phil: WLHT

[16:26] Jake: weren’t there better songs recorded over the last 16 years?

[16:26] Phil: apparently not

[16:26] Phil: or Axl is saving them for the box set

[16:26] Jake: ha.

[16:26] Jake: there’ll be a 2-disc deluxe version released in three months

[16:27] Jake: i just noticed on the myspace page:

[16:27] Jake: band members: Axl Rose, Tommy Stinson, Dizzy Reed, Bumblefoot, Chris Pitman, Richard Fortus, Frank Ferrer

[16:27] Phil: currently

[16:27] Jake: tommy’s been on the payroll longer than anybody now, hasn’t he?

[16:28] Phil: not a bad gig, eh?

[16:28] Jake: i guess dizzy reed has been around since use your illusion

[16:29] Phil: oh, yeah

[16:29] Phil: He must have some dirt on Axl

[16:29] Jake: can you believe this album goes out with such a whimper?

[16:29] Jake: wimpy strings

[16:29] Phil: the end of this song sounds like the end of E.T.

[16:29] Jake: beeeeee goooooood

[16:29] Jake: axl, be better!

[16:30] Phil: that’s the end of our review, right there

[16:30] Jake: done.

[16:30] Phil: whew

[16:30] Phil: that wasn’t easy

[16:30] Jake: heavens to murgatroyd, no.

24 thoughts on “Guns N' Roses – Chinese Democracy”

  1. That was hilarious. I’m curious why you didn’t post your exchange on the hidden Bonus track? Here, I’ll post it for you:

    STATLER: Boo!

    WALDORF: Boooo!

    S: That was the worst thing I’ve ever heard!

    W: It was terrible!

    S: Horrendous!

    W: Well it wasn’t that bad.

    S: Oh, yeah?

    W: Well, there were parts of it I liked!

    S: Well, I liked a lot of it.

    W: Yeah, it was GOOD actually.

    S: It was great!

    W: It was wonderful!

    S: Yeah, bravo!

    W: More!

    S: More!

    W: More!

    S: More!

  2. Not unlike the album, your review was exactly like a car crash… I knew I shouldn’t keep looking but I just couldn’t stop until I got all the way to the end. xooxxo

  3. “Dr. Pepper’s server is overloaded.” I finished a review of this album shortly after midnight and immediately went to their website to print out my compensation. It was down then, too. Those dipshits should have known better and gotten their infrastructure in order before making their cutesy announcement. Great marketing like that better have the actual facilities to back it up. It may not be such a big deal for some of you, but for me, I love Dr. Pepper and think that someone ought to give me something for having to endure such a piece of shit like Chinese Democracy.

  4. I’m digging “I.R.S.”, “Riad N the Bedouins”, “Scraped”, “Catcher in the Rye”, and the title track. As delayed, much-awaited albums go it sure beats The Stone Roses’ Second Coming.

  5. But “Breaking into Heaven” is better than anything on Chinese Democracy. “Love Spreads” is good, too. And “Your Star Will Shine” is very pretty. “Ten Storey Love Song” on the other hand is worse than anything Axl’s ever done.

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