CARBONATED WATER, GLUCOSE, CITRIC ACID, NATURAL FLAVORS, TAURINE, SODIUM CITRATE, COLOR ADDED, PANAX GINSENG ROOT EXTRACT, L-CARNITINE, CAFFEINE, SORBIC ACID, BENZOIC ACID, NIACINAMIDE, SODIUM CHLORIDE, GLUCURONOLACTONE, INOSITOL, GUARANA SEED EXTRACT, PYRIDOXINE HYDROCHLORIDE, SUCRALOSE, RIBOFLAVIN, MALTODEXTRIN, CYANOCOBALAMIN

Those are the ingredients of Monster Energy drink. Mmm. . . . According to the people at the company, that liquid “delivers twice the buzz of a regular energy drink.” I’m not 100% what a “regular energy” drink is. Is there an irregular energy drink that’s concocted by some gray market beverage company, or is it something that is an analogue to carbonated prune juice? And does the “buzz” have something to do with a drone in one’s ears?

That is somewhat less confusing than trying to parse the name of a tour that Korn (“Over the last 16 years, Korn have established themselves as one of the biggest bands in the history of hard rock and metal, selling over 30 million albums worldwide”) and Disturbed (“Asylum is the band’s fourth consecutive studio album to debut at No. 1, a feat achieved by only two other rock groups in history: Metallica and the Dave Matthews Band”—bet you never thought you’d see the Dave Matthews Band in a sentence like that) will be rolling out on this winter season:

“Monster Energy Music As A Weapon 5 Tour”

Huh?

Let’s see. There’s the “Monster Energy” as in the buzz-inducing beverage. Then there’s the “Music” part, which could go to the “Bands and Music” portion of the Monster site (which is less interesting than the “Monster Girls” portion of the site, at least for a certain percentage of browsers).

But no, the “Music” grammatically goes with “As A Weapon.” Gee, that’s nice. Is this the sort of thing that the military sometimes uses against holed-up dictators that they’re trying to force out of their compounds or as audio waterboarding? Oh, for the days of Noriega, eh?

I’ve undoubtedly had an insufficient amount of Monster Khaos this morning to suss this out.