A co-worker of mine recently wrote me and suggested I compile a list of songs that I never want to hear again. Which, Jennifer, was a nice idea until I started actually doing the research. Just thinking of what songs make me want to shoot myself in the face automatically gets them stuck in my head. I’m like, ‘let’s see, well of course that one,’ and I start gritting my teeth, my blood starts boiling, and I totally lose my boner.
These songs may cause some debate, because for some fucking reason they were at the top of the charts at one time. So some of you spawns of Satan might actually enjoy something on this list. A word of warning though, as in my previous article, if you click on the title of the song it will start playing. This is simply to provide you with a test to see if you can actually make it through listening to each one.
Unfortunately for me, after gathering these pieces of total shit, I had to remove a fingernail with plyers just to make it through each song. So grab a bottle of moonshine, hide your shotgun, close any open windows, and good luck on this voyage through horrible, shitty-ass waters towards eternal damnation.
#10: “I Got my Mind Set on You” by George Harrison. First off, kudos to comic genius Weird Al Yankovic for his version “This song is just (Six Words Long)”. This cover song by the late Beatle makes Ringo look like the fucking walrus. If you were are with me in a car and this song accidentally pops on, there is a chance we will survive if I can punch the radio off in time before it gets to “to do it, to do it, to do it, to do it…” If I can’t, sorry, I am going to floor it towards the nearest cliff and jab pencils into my ears before I reach the sweet release of death.
#9: “What Would you Say?” by Dave Matthews Band. You know what I would say? You know what I say every time a city has an ‘Alternative X’ radio station and is STILL playing this song over a decade later? SHUT UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU SPOILED GARBAGE HIPPIE YUPPIES! Dave sings like an imbred asshole hillbilly sitting on his porch barely opening his mouth to tell that fat fuck John Popper to play the harmonica. “Mom it’s my birthday!” Oh really? Happy birthday! All of your worthless ants marched in wearing birkenstocks and I hope you all crash into each other and choke to death on your birthday cake!
#8: “Far Behind” by Candlebox. Now mayayayayayabay, they MEANT to treat us oh so bad. Mayayayayabay Eddie Vedder called, he wants his voice back. Mayayayabay I WISH I could share the pain with you, Candlebox. Mayayayayabay I could watch you suf-fah. Ah, no, no, no, no. Ah no! No, no, no, no, no, NO! You didn’t mean to treat me oh so bad. But you did it anyway.
#7: “Something to Talk About” by Bonnie Raitt. Probably the trashiest song ever written, after “Pour Some Sugar on Me”. It’s the kind of song to listen to when you get your bangs all done up and go to the local carnival to win a coke mirror from that 17 year old cutie that makes you “laugh just a little bit louder” at everything he says just to stir up some gossip that you can be part of to feel better about yourself as you head back to your trailer park and chainsmoke Newports.
#6: “Celebration” by Kool and the Gang. Everytime I hear this turd of a song I hear a guy in my head wearing neon shades saying, ‘Hey how are ya’ll doing tonight? My name is Rick the Ripper and I’ll be your RADICAL deejay tonight at Tammy and Timmy’s awesome wedding reception! How about we get right down to it and CELEBRATE!’ (Cue song). This song fucking sucks, and I used to work at a family steakhouse chain for about three weeks in Ohio called Tumbleweeds. Whenever it was someone’s birthday, we had to sing a special birthday version of this song totally monotone while clapping. “There’s a birthday going on right here. Woo-hoo! A celebration, to add another year. So bring your good times, and your laughter too, cause we’re gonna celebrate your birthday with you!” For some reason every douchebag in Ohio celebrated their birthday at Tumbleweeds.
#5: “Tubthumping” by Chumbawamba. Seriously, can you imagine your flesh burning off as you shovel manure in Hell and every 30 seconds the Devil’s giant cock comes swinging around and hits you in the back and you fall over and this song is on repeat for infinity?
#4: “Hey There Delilah” by Plain White T’s. A user on this youtube link named “The Darkmast3r” had this comment: “haha I memorized this song for my girlfriend”. Oh, that’s so sweet, Darkmast3r… IF HER FUCKING NAME IS DELILAH! I so hope the real Delilah is banging as many other people as humanly possible in New York.
#3: “Who Let the Dogs Out?” by Baha Men. I will say this, if I had to listen to this song for infinity in Hell, it wouldn’t be so bad if there was an America’s Funniest Videos montage of dogs doing really funny things playing nearby. However, on a wild Saturday night after a couple glasses of wine, that is my definition of heaven.
#2: “Cryin” and “Crazy” and “Amazing” by Aerosmith. Basically all one steaming stew of shit. Here is the recipe: Take one hot Alicia Silverstone. Let simmer in some PG-13 situations. Add two verses and a chorus. Repeat. Season with Piano to taste. WARNING: May induce vomitting.
#1: “With Arms Wide Open” by Creed. This is it. This is Hell. I’m not religious at all, but if I have kids someday and they were like, ‘Daddy, where do bad people go when they die?’ I’d be like, ‘Well, people that were mean to other people throughout life go to a room and have to listen to “What’s my Age Again” by Blink 182 for all of eternity. People that stole things and committed other sins have to go to another room and watch the same episode of “Two and a Half Men” for all of eternity. Actually, they get to watch different episodes, it doesn’t matter. BUT, all of the most horrible fucking people in the world have to go and listen to “With Arms Wide Open” by Creed forever and ever as they slowly, slowy decompose. Now be a good kid and fetch daddy his laptop. I’ve got some funny dog videos to watch!
Image courtesy of Shay Krasinski.
44 thoughts on “Whaaaaaat? Ten Songs Playing on a Loop in Hell”
Where are you doing stand up so I can be there?
Excellent choices. I cannot deny the power of any of the songs you have chosen but I remain steadfast in my position that any list that fails to include Tommy Shaw’s “Girls With Guns” is incomplete.
I used to feel the same way about “Hey There Delilah” until I masturbated to it. It’s a good whack-n-cry.
Actually, for me “Who let the dogs out?” is a much better whack-n-cry. I think. Hold on a second…let me see….
Meh. Not that great of a cry.
you forgot to mention on your way to hell, you ride down on an ‘elevator’ while hearing ‘kung fu fighting’, just to get you in the mood for your 10 songs. good choices.
You should expand your list to 25, this is hilarious stuff (and spot on).
This is fucking awesome.
“…makes Ringo look like the fucking walrus,” is one of my favorite things ever. And I even like that song.
May I just add, “PORCupine pie, porcuPINE pie, porcupine PIE…” It makes a stadium full of douchebags and pink hats from Boston screaming “Sweet Caroline” off-key sound like a choir of angels.
James Ray’s original 1962 version of “Got My Mind Set On You” is kind of cool: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b8f5K_xTKcg
Never realized it was a cover until just now. Thanks, Ryan (and wikipedia).
Pretty much spot on. I would only replace the Plain White T’s song with Glen Frey’s “Living Right,” only because I’ve never even heard the Plain White T’s song, but hate them immediately because of their name.
A few points that enable me to agree with your list.
-“I Got My Mind Set On You” is a song that I hate with so much passion that it actually got me to stop listening to Harrison until he died and want to slap Jeff Lynne in the face. Out of spite, I once sampled the piano and drum break and created a shitty song out of it called “Shirley McClaine, Ted Nugent and Me.” When I say “shitty,” it was…but still not as shitty as “Got My Mind Set On You.”
-“Far Behind” holds a deep hate in my heart because I used to have to play it when I worked in radio. The great thing though, was that I could turn down the studio monitor and not have to hear it; I’d just watch the countdown on the cd player and know when it was time to play a different, better song. Fast forward to when I got divorced, I moved into a house of a friend of mine, trying to sort my life out. A week into the move, I was sleeping in my bed when-at 9:00am on a Sunday morning-the sound of “Far Behind” literally shook me out of bed. My douchebag friend/homeowner thought it would be a good time to blast some Candlebox and thought it was funny that I got upset at him. I immediately thought “My God, what have I done?” not because I was reconsidering the divorce, but because I signed a lease a week prior with someone who was a fucking Candlebox fan.
Jeff Lynne ruins everything he touches – doesn’t matter how talented the artist is that he’s overproducing. Maybe George Harrison had to give the world that crap song so we’d really appreciate ‘All Things Must Pass’.
Candlebox? Weren’t they the same dorks from Silverchair? Aren’t they the same band with the same shitty songs? Oh wait, they broke up and formed Nickleback. Or something.
“We Built This City!!” by Starship has to be the biggest pile of shit song ever.
Loved the description of Dave Mathews Band…man they suck….
What’s the difference between Jeff Tweedy and Dave Matthews?
Man, this list has a lot of winners (i.e., winning losers). I’d add Atlantic Starr’s “Always”, anything by Michael Bolton or Kenny G, and the entire collection of Celine Dion’s albums, both in English and French (you do realize that she’s Lucifer, daughter of ol’ Beelzebub himself, right?). My first job was in a foodstore in 1987, where we listened to Lite FM as we faced the shelves and bagged groceries for ungrateful senior citizens.
Jonathan, I slightly disagree with your assessment of Jeff Lynne. I personally don’t think he’s horrible… as long as it’s an ELO record he’s working on, not Dave Edmunds, George Harrison, Paul McCartney, Tom Petty, or any other artist upon which he’s forced The Jeff Lynne Sound (TM). I mean, everything he touches has to have scads of echo, gratuitous strings galore, chimey acoustic guitar, and enough bombast to make both Ken Russell and the ghost of Neil Bogart blush. Ugh. Imagine the mindfuck of hearing the Threetles through the Jeff Lynne machine, considering everything he does is an attempt to replicate “I Am The Walrus”.
Where’s the Skynyrd — “That Smell” “What’s Your Name?” — Bueller?
I never thought I could be honored and totally effing annoyed at the same time. Does this score me some cool points?
DJMurph, I’ll agree that his production worked with ELO since they reveled in that overproduced sound.
Spot on description of how he can take a simple acoustic guitar and send it deep into chorus chimey hell.
I remember watching the Travelling Wilburys video as a young teenager thinking – “why did they let Jeff Lynne in the band with the other guys?”
Tom Petty’s ‘Full Moon Fever’ would have been 1,000 times better without him behind the board – somehow Petty, Harrison, and even Dylan must have been looking for that sound I guess. I always look to avoid it.
Perfection. But, I agree that the list needs to be expanded. There are so many songs that make me want to pluck my eyelashes out. And most of them involve Hootie and the Blowfish.
How about that 4 non Blondes “What’s Up?” song. I’m pretty sure there’s some kind of sub-sonic evilness going on in that song that sends me into a rage whenever I hear it. It’s been my most hated song since the first time I heard it. I’m sure there are worse songs out there, but something about that one sets me off.
also – “Baby, Baby” by, Amy Grant [insert witty Ryan B. blurb about babies and 80s hair, clothing, and music videos]
“Afternoon Delight” by the Starland Vocal Band is the most evil song I have ever had the misfortune to hear. I shudder to think that it was a hit. What does that say about us as a society? There is nothing remotely appealing about this audio vomit.
I’m going with Jonathan on this one, Murph. I thought the same thing about the Wilburys and Full Moon Fever. With that being said, I downloaded that ELO song “10538 Overture” recently and it pretty much rules.
So many come to mind, so quickly. It’s like a cavalcade of suck. I think we agree that overexposure and an earworm melody that’s memorable (but for entirely the wrong reasons) are the key. Also, being linked to terrible fashion is a definite hallmark. So in that vein I nominate:
Right Said Fred – “I’m Too Sexy”. No Fred, you’re not. Also, shirts are not meant to be transparent.
Cher – “Believe”. Sorry, I don’t.
Billy Ray Cyrus – “Achy Breaky Heart”. Through the power of television, this man is now seemingly able to make people believe he’s a physician. No, really.
Celine Dion – “My Heart Will Go On”. I could have nominated anything she’s ever done, ever. Madame Horseface has never been one to sing one note when seventy-four would do. She probably exploits her four-octave range to order take-out chicken wings.
Sweeney Todd – “Roxy Roller”. This one’s kind of off the radar unless you’re inclined to listen to classic rock radio in Canada. I’m pretty sure someone in that band has compromising photos of the K97 program director fellating a giraffe, because they spin this gem at least five times a week for no logical reason. I eventually got tired of repairing my radio after throwing it across the room so many times. K97 is now dead to me.
Spin Doctors – “Two Princes”. You know why. Fuuuuuuck.
Billy Talent – pick a song. It doesn’t matter which one. They’re all roughly on par with listing to a wet fan belt. For hours on end.
The Beach Boys – “Kokomo”. Put a HUGE asterisk next to ‘Beach Boys’. The band so devalued by 1990 that they arguably ADDED to their credibility by bringing in the guy from Full House to play drums.
Ace of Base – “The Sign”. Good luck getting THAT one out of your head now. Step 1 – sharpen pencils. Step 2 – push into eardrums. Step 3 – repeat as necessary. You’re welcome.
Lou Bega – “Mambo #5”. Presumably the first four were even worse, but who could be bothered to track them down?
But the one that makes my inner Hulk very, very angry whenever I hear it is:
Santana w/ Rob Thomas – “Smooth”. This one sucks nuts on so many levels. Cloying vocals. Pointlessly overblown guitar solos every fifteen seconds. Overpolished “latino” rhythms. Utter ubiquity on at least seven different pop-rock / 90’s rock / soft-rock / Dad-rock / secretary-rock / pussy-rock / crap-rock radio stations in every city in the world.
Argh. Now it’s going to be stuck in my head for the rest of the week. Awesome. Guess it’s time to go play “Road to Ruin” at migraine-inducing volume until the slate has been wiped clean.
Either that, or call up Jeff Tweedy’s pharmacist.
And I didn’t even mention any Hootie & The Blowfish or Blues Traveller songs. Wow, it’s like there’s an ocean of musical vomit out there just waiting to be regurgitated.
Nice call Greenwood on “Smooth”. It was enough already after I heard it once. An entire never-ending forum on shitty songs could be easily realized since we’re all slowly remembering various crap that we’d like to forget…
Warrant – any and all songs
Firehouse – ‘Baby Don’t Treat Me Bad’ – they treated the entire human race badly when they released this song
I find it amusing how many of the songs mentioned in the comments (Hey There Delilah, 4 Non Blondes) are ones that don’t bother me at all. Some of them (Skynyrd, Afternoon Delight) I actually love.
Come to think of it, I don’t understand how anybody can not love “Afternoon Delight.” First of all, the acoustic guitars sound awesome. Secondly, it’s about fucking. Right now! Why wait until the middle of a cold dark night? The raunchiness of the lyrics combined with the saccharin production is interesting on its own. Can you think of another lite pop song this dirty? Third, that descending electric guitar part in the chorus: raaaoooorrrr! It’s just awesome.
Granted, there’s a nostalgia factor at play because it reminds me of running around the Coast Guard Festival on Lake Michigan as a kid. And the goofy harmony at the end is over the top. But overall, this is a great slice of 70s lite rock, and you’d have to pry it out of my cold, dead iPod.
“4 Non Blondes”
You must be kidding. That song is near the top of my all-time hated list. Right there with Joan Osborne’s masterpiece of shit.
100% in agreement with Jake on “Afternoon Delight”, and you haven’t lived until you’ve sang 4 Non Blondes on karaoke night in a lesbian bar.
Todd I’m really sorry about your divorce, but the story with the new Candlebox roommate is hilarious.
“Smooth” is a huge glaring error on my part for not including it. Seriously, so…fucking…skin crawling. It definitely is rage inducing.
A country singer friend of mine who used to play out a lot used to sing this very dark sounding version of ‘Afternoon Delight’ – kind of sounded like Johnny Cash on Viocodin. It changed my whole view of that song, and now I love it.
I can agree with many on the list here. There was a time when you couldn’t escape the song ‘Smooth.’ It was on everywhere, all the time 24 hours.
I dated a girl (who was hot, but not bright) who loved this song. I remember one night after many tequila shots, she pulled me out on the dance floor to dance to this song.
Anytime I hear it, I can still remember the way she turned away and walked away from me and then shook her ass (vibrating style) at the line “Or just forget about it.” and made this “oh snap girlfriend!” type of face.
It makes me shudder to this day. Alcohol really does make you stupid.
Umm..’Too Shy’ by Kaajagoogoo or whatever their stupid name was…the eighties alone would get its own forum for shit annoying songs
Todd, I got the impression that Jonathan Miller and I were on the same page about Jeff Lynne (and Jonathan, let me know if I’m reading you right); his production for ELO works. AND THAT’S ALL. Oh, except that ELO put out good stuff occasionally. Jeff Lynne should never have produced anyone else but ELO, and no one should have fallen for his crap after hearing what the hell he did to poor Dave Edmunds’ albums.
DJMurph – you are absolutely reading me right. Jeff Lynne’s production style works for ELO and ELO only.
He absolutely ruined Dave Edmunds. And like Todd and I mentioned, ‘Full Moon Fever’ from Tom Petty wasn’t totally ruined, but those songs in another producer’s hands would have been 1,000 times better.
What about that idiotic ‘Some Girls Dance With Women’ song? I cant get on board with criticizing Dave Matthews and leaving that one off the list.
No list of this nature is complete without Paul Anka’s ‘Having My Baby’,
the theme song of hopeful pregnant teenagers everywhere.
For those of you singing the praises of that too sweet, morally reprehensible, overproduced shiftfest that is “Afternoon Delight,” I pity you. There are roughly three million better songs about fucking than “Afternoon Delight.” That oversung chorus at the end by itself makes me want to punch babies. It is both hokey and overwrought. And I had to hear it way too often as a kid. It makes me think of every long car trip I ever took between 6th and 9th grades.
Name three pre-90s Top 40 songs as explicitly about fucking as “Afternoon Delight.”
“Brown Sugar,” “Let’s Get It On,” “Love Rollercoaster.”
I’ll throw in another: “Love to Love You, Baby.”
Okay, okay, so there are tons of big hit pop songs about fucking. I’ll throw in another: Bread’s “Feel Like Making Love.” I could argue that “Brown Sugar” is too smart and that “Love Rollercoaster” doesn’t count because it employs an obvious metaphor rather coming right out and saying it, but it’s clear I was just talking out of my ass.
Is Bread’s version of “Feel Like Making Love” any better than Bad Company’s version? I keed, I keed!
I can’t believe I didn’t list a Nickelback song. So I’ll nominate “Figured You Out”. Combine the shittiest parts of Alice in Chains, Metallica, and Creed. Dose heavily with misogyny, as though AC/DC were forced to cut their double entendres in half. All while rewriting the same lazy fucking chord sequence they’ve been self-plagarizing since 1998. Proof that a polished turd is still nothing more than a shiny piece of shit to hypnotize the hordes of mouth-breathing, sideways-hat-wearing, Skoal-chewing, Bud-drinking assholes across the continent.
What’s the Bread song I’m thinking of? “I Want to Make It With You.”
Are you thinking of “Baby, I’m-A Want You”? Man, that title huffs donkey.
Most of the songs on the original list annoy me but don’t provoke anything more than that. (No.s 3, 5, 6 and 10 are particularly irritating, tho.) Matthew Wilder’s “Break My Stride”, however, could entice me to commit murder. Or any song in Air Supply’s catalog, for that matter.
How ’bout a list of songs you despise by artists you love? (I’m a Beatlemaniac and a big Macca fan but I never want to hear “Get Back” or “”Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da” ever again.) Or, conversely, songs you really dig by those artists you otherwise can’t stand. (Lady GaGa’s “Summerboy” comes to mind.)
And yeah, “Afternoon Delight” is pretty cool. heh, heh
A good list of fucking horrible songs that I never want to hear again, somehow though I feel like I will have to endure through at least a couple of these songs before I find eternal rest in the fiery pits of hell. Oh well I will now just consider it a warmup for the rest of my life.
Oh yeah and please tell me you have footage of you working in a steak house singing Celebration.