A co-worker of mine recently wrote me and suggested I compile a list of songs that I never want to hear again. Which, Jennifer, was a nice idea until I started actually doing the research. Just thinking of what songs make me want to shoot myself in the face automatically gets them stuck in my head. I’m like, ‘let’s see, well of course that one,’ and I start gritting my teeth, my blood starts boiling, and I totally lose my boner.
These songs may cause some debate, because for some fucking reason they were at the top of the charts at one time. So some of you spawns of Satan might actually enjoy something on this list. A word of warning though, as in my previous article, if you click on the title of the song it will start playing. This is simply to provide you with a test to see if you can actually make it through listening to each one.
Unfortunately for me, after gathering these pieces of total shit, I had to remove a fingernail with plyers just to make it through each song. So grab a bottle of moonshine, hide your shotgun, close any open windows, and good luck on this voyage through horrible, shitty-ass waters towards eternal damnation.
#10: “I Got my Mind Set on You” by George Harrison. First off, kudos to comic genius Weird Al Yankovic for his version “This song is just (Six Words Long)”. This cover song by the late Beatle makes Ringo look like the fucking walrus. If you were are with me in a car and this song accidentally pops on, there is a chance we will survive if I can punch the radio off in time before it gets to “to do it, to do it, to do it, to do it…” If I can’t, sorry, I am going to floor it towards the nearest cliff and jab pencils into my ears before I reach the sweet release of death.
#9: “What Would you Say?” by Dave Matthews Band. You know what I would say? You know what I say every time a city has an ‘Alternative X’ radio station and is STILL playing this song over a decade later? SHUT UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU SPOILED GARBAGE HIPPIE YUPPIES! Dave sings like an imbred asshole hillbilly sitting on his porch barely opening his mouth to tell that fat fuck John Popper to play the harmonica. “Mom it’s my birthday!” Oh really? Happy birthday! All of your worthless ants marched in wearing birkenstocks and I hope you all crash into each other and choke to death on your birthday cake!
#8: “Far Behind” by Candlebox. Now mayayayayayabay, they MEANT to treat us oh so bad. Mayayayayabay Eddie Vedder called, he wants his voice back. Mayayayabay I WISH I could share the pain with you, Candlebox. Mayayayayabay I could watch you suf-fah. Ah, no, no, no, no. Ah no! No, no, no, no, no, NO! You didn’t mean to treat me oh so bad. But you did it anyway.
#7: “Something to Talk About” by Bonnie Raitt. Probably the trashiest song ever written, after “Pour Some Sugar on Me”. It’s the kind of song to listen to when you get your bangs all done up and go to the local carnival to win a coke mirror from that 17 year old cutie that makes you “laugh just a little bit louder” at everything he says just to stir up some gossip that you can be part of to feel better about yourself as you head back to your trailer park and chainsmoke Newports.
#6: “Celebration” by Kool and the Gang. Everytime I hear this turd of a song I hear a guy in my head wearing neon shades saying, ‘Hey how are ya’ll doing tonight? My name is Rick the Ripper and I’ll be your RADICAL deejay tonight at Tammy and Timmy’s awesome wedding reception! How about we get right down to it and CELEBRATE!’ (Cue song). This song fucking sucks, and I used to work at a family steakhouse chain for about three weeks in Ohio called Tumbleweeds. Whenever it was someone’s birthday, we had to sing a special birthday version of this song totally monotone while clapping. “There’s a birthday going on right here. Woo-hoo! A celebration, to add another year. So bring your good times, and your laughter too, cause we’re gonna celebrate your birthday with you!” For some reason every douchebag in Ohio celebrated their birthday at Tumbleweeds.
#5: “Tubthumping” by Chumbawamba. Seriously, can you imagine your flesh burning off as you shovel manure in Hell and every 30 seconds the Devil’s giant cock comes swinging around and hits you in the back and you fall over and this song is on repeat for infinity?
#4: “Hey There Delilah” by Plain White T’s. A user on this youtube link named “The Darkmast3r” had this comment: “haha I memorized this song for my girlfriend”. Oh, that’s so sweet, Darkmast3r… IF HER FUCKING NAME IS DELILAH! I so hope the real Delilah is banging as many other people as humanly possible in New York.
#3: “Who Let the Dogs Out?” by Baha Men. I will say this, if I had to listen to this song for infinity in Hell, it wouldn’t be so bad if there was an America’s Funniest Videos montage of dogs doing really funny things playing nearby. However, on a wild Saturday night after a couple glasses of wine, that is my definition of heaven.
#2: “Cryin” and “Crazy” and “Amazing” by Aerosmith. Basically all one steaming stew of shit. Here is the recipe: Take one hot Alicia Silverstone. Let simmer in some PG-13 situations. Add two verses and a chorus. Repeat. Season with Piano to taste. WARNING: May induce vomitting.
#1: “With Arms Wide Open” by Creed. This is it. This is Hell. I’m not religious at all, but if I have kids someday and they were like, ‘Daddy, where do bad people go when they die?’ I’d be like, ‘Well, people that were mean to other people throughout life go to a room and have to listen to “What’s my Age Again” by Blink 182 for all of eternity. People that stole things and committed other sins have to go to another room and watch the same episode of “Two and a Half Men” for all of eternity. Actually, they get to watch different episodes, it doesn’t matter. BUT, all of the most horrible fucking people in the world have to go and listen to “With Arms Wide Open” by Creed forever and ever as they slowly, slowy decompose. Now be a good kid and fetch daddy his laptop. I’ve got some funny dog videos to watch!
Image courtesy of Shay Krasinski.