A lot of people are saying things about this photo. Not us, but a lot of people. Some very smart people; the best people.
I updated my Facebook picture with his smirking mug and added a couple comments. That got people talking…a lot of them.
Here are 300+ things people are saying about #TrumpDoc (of the 570, and counting).
- Can’t stop telling you about the time he met Donald Fagan at a boat show.
- Ends every question during a physical with, “If you know what I mean…”
- Signs your high school physical form on sight, asks if your mom’s dating.
- Asks if you’ve ever ridden in a convertible, casually dangles Sebring keys.
- Won’t stop asking if you’ve signed up for his band’s mailing list.
- Has a secret stash of Zima on his boat, Breakin’ Wind.
- Says Michael McDonald is “the voice of my generation!”
- Thinks AOL is the Internet. Concurrently somehow still has a NetZero account.
- Invites you over to see his margarita glass signed by Jimmy Buffett after he “saved his f*ckin’ life from a ‘gator the size of a goddamn Buick” in a parking lot in the Keys
- His favorite coffee mug is a badly stained, circa 1985 plastic one with a barely legible racist joke on it. It leaks, so he wraps it in a bandanna.
- Keeps making Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman references absolutely nobody gets.
- Starts everything he says about Trump with “Now I’m not sayin’ I’m votin’ for the guy, but…” and ends it with “…and *that’s* patriotism, kids.”
- Won’t let you forget he was giving Grand Funk Railroad vitamin B shots when you were in diapers.
- Rides a Spree to work. It’s white.
- Spent a summer following Rich Little on tour.
- Maintains he once played bongos on stage with Santana, and that “it doesn’t matter when or where, man, it was f*ckin’ Santana. Get a life.”
- Takes mushrooms and binges on Dorf videos
- Forwards birther emails and gets hacked on Facebook quarterly
- Has waaaaaay more Vaseline in his medicine cabinet than anyone who happens to peek in is comfortable with.
- Still has, and uses daily, a hairbrush he’s had since 1978.
- Rubs his lucky rabbits foot while he poops.
- Thinks he reminds everyone of Quincy.
- Claims to have literally done a cock push-up at least twice in his life.
- Has tight-y whiteys older than you, thank you very much.
- Tells women his middle name is Tantric, then casually flips his hair behind one ear.
- Tells you about the metaphors you can find in “the gambler”.
- Still uses his car phone.
- Claims to have dated Angie Dickinson. He didn’t.
- Says if Chuck Norris and Bruce Lee would have “really fought” then Chuck would have destroyed him.
- Claims to “know karate,” went to six sessions.
- But still practices his spin kick every day
- His blade collection is mounted on his walls
- Just had his diamond earring upgraded.
- Has watched 2 girls 1 cup more than twice.
- Refers to his extensive 80’s Playboy collection as “vintage”
- Wooed his wife by purchasing all of her hand made jewelry
- Calls every waiter in Mexican restaurants José.
- Named his 1982 corvette “Kelly LeBrock”
- Claims Steely Dan chose the name after his cat
- Still has every episode of Knight Rider on VHS.
- Once referred to his signature sex move as “oingo boingo”
- Inexplicably uses air quotes whenever he mentions Obamacare.
- Once told a patient “I know I’m not a gynecologist but it’s not exactly rocket science”
- Wears a sleeveless shirt to the gym but only uses the elliptical because it has “the best views”
- Has a bumper sticker that reads , “My other car is your face.” It’s homemade.
- Stitching on his lab coat reads, “Dr. Feelgood”
- Invented the Dirty Sanchez
- Proudly tells anyone who will listen.
- While dangling Super 8 hotel keys.
- Masturbates to x-ray films.
- Office air freshener is “Brut for Men”
- Calls everyone else’s weed “skunk,” smokes it anyway.
- Claims to be the first person ever to be referred to as a “Silver Fox”.
- Has a poster of Steven Seagal in his man cave
- Framed with candles and incense burning below it.
- Bows to it every time he walks in the room.
- Daily regiment of Shit, Shower, and Shave is down to a single S.
- Left pant pocket is filled with pistachio shells. No seeds, just the shells.
- ID badge isn’t required in his solo practice, wears one anyway.
- Was told in 1986 he looked like Joe Walsh, can’t let it go.
- Truthfully answers when asked if he’s been working hard or hardly working.
- Farts when he laughs. Every time.
- Laughs when he farts. Every time.
- Is a total prick when ordering Coke and asked if Pepsi would be ok.
- Wooed his “lady” by writing her a prescription for a Cheeseburger in Paradise
- Still has a hard-wired channel selector for his TV because he doesn’t trust “the experts” who say remotes are harmless.
- Tries to sell you his time-share in Branson by describing it as “a real honey trap.”
- Spent three years as “medical advisor” for High Times. Kept handing the business cards out for 12 more years.
- Thinks Phil Collins was better off without Genesis.
- Buys his 19 year old Native American girlfriend brandy and takes her to pow-wows.
- Earth School.
- Tells her she’s on a vision quest
- Carries camera around at nude beach, tells everyone he is a photographer and ask to take their photos. Has scrotum pierced.
- ….with a bellybutton ring
- Once told a patient about the healing powers of drum circles.
- While incorrectly playing bongos
- Claims to know every massage parlor in Bangkok that offers ‘seriously happy endings’.
- Scrawls “Question everything” in marker in every bathroom stall, then writes “Why?” in different handwriting right after it.
- Tells caricaturists at the mall “that doesn’t really look like me.”
- Microwaves tuna melt in the community room at his gym.
- Stays naked in the locker room way longer than is necessary or normal.
- Strikes up conversations…
- …with one foot up on a bench, all leaning in
- Never wears underwear… It’s too “constricting”.
- But always wears two necklaces: One made of shark’s teeth and one featuring a rune representing virility.
- Freshens up the Sebring with a spritz of Axe before picking up the babysitter.
- Asks about her “tramp stamp” even though she doesn’t have one.
- Is rolling a booger in this photo.
- Still lets his 97 year old mom pay for lunch.
- Pets your dog, smirks, and immediately asks if he likes peanut butter.
- Pissed his bed as recently as 2014. Blamed the dog.
- Claims he is planning a biopic starring either Ed Begley Jr or Patrick Stewart, pending negotiations of course.
- Retakes ‘Painting Nudes’ every quarter at the community college.
- Also applies to be a model every semester…
- Tries to get to know the models
- Constantly sighs and grunts while painting
- …has his own robe hanging in “Figure Drawing 101” room
- When his nephews bring their new girlfriends over for family dinners feels it is polite to meet them then kiss them on the mouth hello.
- Told his tailor he wanted a look that shouted esteemed medical professional combined with the playfulness of a young Philip Michael Thomas.
- Bought a $3,500.00 stereo cable. Mainly for his Todd Rundgren “acapella” album.
- Lives on a strict regimen of poon, 9 month old scotch and Fiery Jalapeño Lime Chicken Hot Pockets
- Gets his picture taken leaning on exotic cars he doesn’t own.
- Crafts his own cocktail at the local bar with creme de cocoa, vodka, red bull and bosco. He calls it the Cuban Missile Crisis.
- Finds those signs reminding people to wash their hands after using the bathroom to be evidence of “the nanny state.”
- Has a quarterly schedule for trimming his toenails, which are on prominent display in his ever-present flip flops.
- Ends all digital exams by joking about the loose change and wedding rings he just found.
- Refuses to wear latex gloves because they aren’t ribbed for his pleasure.
- He once offended Bob Crane at a Tiki Bar on La Cienaga Blvd.
- His whereabouts the night of June 29, 1978 are still in question.
- Insists he’s a certified Scuba instructor even though he only went snorkelling once in Lake Erie.
- Has been reprimanded four times by HR for “misinterpreting” the term Hump Day.
- Was cell mates with Christopher Cross. He inspired him to write “Ride Like the Wind”
- Clogs toilet at in-laws house after Thanksgiving dinner. Sits back down in La-Z-Boy without saying anything
- Ex-in-laws. He keeps showing up.
- Never replaces the toilette paper
- Once dry docked his own toilet out of force of habit.
- Tries to convince co-workers to smell his finger. Won’t stop bugging them about it
- Still refers to his mustache and beard as his flavor saver. Giggles every time he says it
- Wrote his dissertation “Thunder Only Happens When It’s Raining; A Meteorological Study on the Glory of Fleetwood Mac” in 4 hours at a Blimpies.
- Can’t understand why Eddie Rabbit isn’t still at the top of the charts.
- Pronounces “Italians” with a hard I
- In concert with certain captains of industry, claims to have originated the concept of Corinthian Leather.
- Owns multiple pairs of white leather pants.
- Corinthian Leather Pants
- Reads Corinthians in leather pants
- Agreed to write the Trump medical report while being dangled by his ankles from a hotel balcony.
- But only if Melania Trump stood on the hotel balcony in a dress at same moment. The Donald agreed with a high-five.
- His Christian Mingle profile mentions that he likes the outdoors, hiking and culinary adventure. That’s code for throwing on his orange Crocs to walk three blocks down to the Orange Julius.
- Also, not Christian…or technically single.
- …and hates to mingle.
- Pronounces Mexico, “Meh-heeee-co”.
- Orders a Cuba Libre instead of a rum & Coke.
- And Chicago is “Chi-town”.
- Tries to roll the r in Libre. Gets it on second try.
- Took a “trip out west to Frisco” was totally fine with “the gays”.
- Is “Not a racist. But…”
- Once got caught between the moon and New York city.
- That’s crazy, and true.
- Office smells like Doritos, but strangely, he does not eat Doritos
- Drives in the bike lane, says “this is America, not fucking Holland” as justification.
- Immediately unhooks belt and removes shoes and socks after boarding airplane. Has to be comfortable.
- Hugs every female patient, inhales deeply through nose, holds on just a little too long.
- Doesn’t understand what all the fuss is about.
- Hasn’t changed the water in his waterbed in years.
- Says, “Why mess with perfection?” to himself.
- Has a guitar and amp in his office, tells every patient to watch him shred, plays that one part of “Eruption” that everyone knows.
- One of those tiny Marshall practice amps and a Washburn guitar
- Backup guitar is a Hamer.
- In case he breaks a string
- “Marshall is what Jimi played.”
- Changes strings weekly. Never cuts the ends off
- Has one pedal: Boss Metal Zone.
- “The tone is in the zone!”
- Waiting room magazine selection consists of old issues of Hustler, Guns & Ammo, and Good Housekeeping “for the Ladies” ;)
- Actually, it’s Garden & Gun
- Actually hopes Trump doesn’t build a wall because Mexico is “where you get the good stuff.”
- Sprang into action the night the lights went out in Georgia. While proud of his good deeds, now has two alimony payments to show for it.
- Still belongs to a mail order CD club. Gets a kick out of affixing the penny.
- Gives gift certificates to his own practice as wedding presents.
- Refers to his own genitalia as Masters & Johnson. Recently ordered monogrammed boxer shorts from Things Remembered.
- Takes it to the limit way too many times.
- Was an extra in this video, makes you watch until you can spot him (4:30)
- Claims to have successfully executed the Triple Lindy.
- “Was the actual “”legs”” in this video.
- Still complains that he was “paid scale,” but can’t explain what “scale” is.
- Got his medical degree in the Cayman Islands.
- At least that’s what the diploma says
- Shows up at high school reunion in lab coat every time. Always the first one there, and the last one to leave
- Talks about all the people he scored with who aren’t there
- Wears his stethoscope around his neck at high school reunion
- Insists on being called Burgermeister.
- Hums “Moon River” during prostate exams. Every time.
- Keeps hair long to cover up multiple earrings, deemed too “PG-13” by his patients.
- Tries to trade services with his dentist friends for “a hit on the nitrous,” nobody takes him up on it.
- Instituted “Nudie Suit” Fridays. Was disappointed to learn that it wasn’t what he thought it was.
- “Has an ass tattoo. Left Cheek: If you get caught between the moon . . .Right Cheek: . . . aaaand New York City.”
- That’s crazy, and true.
- Calls Michael McDonald the Tony Bennett of the coke era. He is frighteningly correct.
- Favorite SNL skit of all-time is “White Guy Rap.”
- Thinks he does “a mean Morgan Freeman.” He doesn’t.
- Was really into Jai alai for a month.
- “Asks every new patient, “Do you like pina coladas and getting caught in the rain?”
- Sings alternate lyrics every morning in the shower. Example: “If you like chicken enchiladas and getting laid on a train.”
- “If you like almond horchata and making love on a plane.”
- Plays air bass guitar.
- And “tunes” it between songs.
- Which is tough cos it’s a five-string fretless.
- Keeps talking about how Howard Johnson just isn’t the same after they were bought by Wyndham.
- Loved the clam strips
- Describes current predicament as being “knee-deep in the hoopla.”
- Still proudly wears his “Member’s Only” jackets. Owns several colors for different moods.
- Likes to say, “Ask me about the initiation” with a smirk.
- Bends over too often showing his thong.
- Go to Karaoke track: “Spill the Wine” by Eric Burdon & War
- Once did ‘luudes with Boz Scaggs
- Thinks #tacotrucksoneverycorner is the single biggest issue in this election. Fears dramatic increase in Montezuma’s Revenge should Hillary be elected
- Wouldn’t mind a little amnesty from the federal income taxes he stopped paying in 2009
- Refers to all police as “federales.”
- Has tried in vain to explain at dinner parties that “Yellowtail” is an exotic Australian import.
- Still gets a thrill thinking of using the endoscope on certain patients.
- Plays a single cutaway ovation acoustic guitar, with blue sunburst and a scooped back. Only knows a few tunes though – horse with no name is his best cut
- His doctor’s office has saloon doors
- Still believes that Peter Cetera’s best record is yet to come
- As a rule, plays Seger’s “Turn the Page” on every jukebox he comes across. Plays it twice in a row when it’s just him and his Appletini.
- Was founding member of David Lee Roth Fan Club. Switched over to Sammy Hagar. Currently back with Diamond Dave.
- Thinks Ann Coulter and an eight ball would make for a great Saturday night.
- Taped every episode of “Solid Gold” on VHS, still has them.
- Every 3rd Sunday is “Solid Gold” night.
- “Ladies’ Night” as he likes to call it.
- Edited out all the commercials while watching.
- Asks every woman he meets if they have tickets to the “gun show.”
- Follows up with, “You’re in luck. Ladies get in for free.”
- Orders pollo fa-hee-taaaaahs every time he hits the Taco Bell drive thru. They always give him a chicken quesadilla.
- Patent for mirrored contact lens still pending.
- His third wife bought a Volkswagen Touraeg. The first weekend she was out of town, he had a custom T-Top installed.
- Has been known to say… “It’s all about the angle of the dangle”
- Always licks his fingers when turning the pages. Also keeps his mouth open just a touch. He knows he’s on stage.
- Responds to any reference of MLK with, “All lives matter!”
- Elliot Mintz and Robert Evans are proudly on speed dial.
- Thinks he’s in the Mile High Club for spanking one out in a PanAm flight toilet that was still taxiing at Idlewild.
- Says he has a hook up for “pharmaceutical shit,” but never actually has any.
- Responds to every negative Yelp review with, “Says who?” Every. Single. One
- Drops a $50 bill in the dollar dance sack at every wedding he attends, then whispers “You’re mine for the next 90 minutes” to the bride.
- Invites you to go hot tubbing almost weekly. Mentions that “suits are optional” every time. Every. Single. Time.
- Twitter handle is @Easy_Lover1965 His step daughter (ex-step, he calls her) set it up but he’s only tweeted once: “trump 2015!!!!1!1” He forgot what year it was.
- Now confuses it with his texting app.
- Says he “had a shot with Ann Coulter but was too baked to close the deal.”
- Hasn’t restarted his computer since 2010. Can’t remember his login (it’s Easy_Lover1965, password).
- Claims to have a little Native American inside him. Asks the ladies if they would like a little Native American inside them.
- Chooses to do all his gambling in Branson, Missouri because “the tables are looser… and so are a few other things”
- The one exception is the dog track just off of Route 36 outside of Teaneck, NJ.
- Proudly claims to have optioned the rights to the Yahoo Serious life story.
- For Christmas, he gave his stepson a box of florescent light bulb tubes from the office supply closet with “Star Trak LightSwords!” scribbled across it.
- Describes himself as “a free agent” since the last divorce.
- Demands welfare reform, fraudulently bills Medicare.
- In this picture, he’s using his thumb and ring finger to play the world’s smallest violin for that cripple who was too slow to get the one handicap spot at the OTB parlor in Thousand Palms.
- Calls every African American patient “Dog”
- Every time a woman speaks at a conference he attends, he asks the people at his table when the swimsuit competition starts.
- Told a comely waitress last Wednesday at lunch that if she’d bring more bread, he’d bring the butter. He said it while doing an awful Marlon Brando impression.
- Has a vast collection of Santa Fe art.
- Has a tattoo that says, “Exit Only.” Asks you to guess where.
- Every time he sees modern art he says “I can do that”
- Still carries a pager, even though it has not been in service since 2003
- Liked to introduce his spouse as “my current wife.” It didn’t work out.
- Tries to hit on the new receptionist by giving her a copy of “the celestine prophecy”, and offering to discuss it over drinks sometime.
- Casually gives away the ending.
- Always wears socks with sandals, even flip flops.
- Has assorted 70’s erotica mixed in with his medical books
- Will reference either in consultations.
- Conducts patient exams in lunge position. Crotch out.
- Also actually was Kid Charlemagne. Has a tendency to ask questions aloud then answer them himself.
- Offered to set up a free Hepatitis C screening tent at the Gathering of the Juggalos. Was denied.
- Diagnoses women with herpes after sleeping with them. Then bills for the diagnosis.
- Current mood: Casually Racist
- Pays for early boarding on flights, then sits there watching the ladies board saying “yes,” “no,” or “oh yeah” to himself as they walk by.
- When greeting new patient brings them over to his desk, opens bottom left drawer, and says “come here and get a whiff of this”.
- Claims to have a friend who is “an expert on UCC 1-308- 1 1 308-103 and the Rome Statute” and consistently posts that Facebook disclaimer on copyrighting his updates.
- Has his own theory about the ending of the musical, “Grease’
- It involves “the gay agenda.”
- Replies to any criticism of Trump with “BENGHAZI!” Has no idea why.
- Claims to have Pokemon in his pocket. Asks if you want to “catch ’em all?”
- Doesn’t actually know what “Pokyman” is.
- Claims to have coined the phrase “Jeez Louise”. Dated Louise.
- Puts dated in air quotes
- Break up was “mutual.”
- Pronounces vagina “bajina” (when he has to get technical).
- Claims white lab coat and stethoscope once got him a gig driving the Mamas and Papas from Ypsilanti to Fresno in a VW minibus.
- Accused of sticking his dick in the mashed potatoes. Claims he dIdn’t know it wasn’t that kind of party.
- Thinks “Aleppo” is a person with leprosy, just another sicko getting a free ride thanks to “Obamacare”.
- Still talks about that one time when he did *marijuana and “saw all of this crazy shit.” *was actually oregano
- Spends most Sundays on forums trying to figure out how to modify the Sebring to “Roll Coal.”
- Tells the girls to smile.
- Invites all his female patients back to his place to watch stranger things. Has no idea there’s a Netflix show called that.
- Thinks Netflix & Chill is a wine cooler.
- Remembers how groovy cults used to be.
- Has tried to start several.
- Still wears his “FREE BROCK TURNER” shirt; knows Turner is out. Every time he thinks about it, he absently whispers “justice” as a wistful smile sprouts in his goatee
- Proudly displays a framed pair of Chuck Mangione’s pants.
- Knows that’s some sort of human biological material he’s trying to work out of his fingernails. Not sure what kind or whose, and doesn’t really care. Is kind of curious to see what it smells or tastes like.
- Can’t listen to Juice Newton without staring silently, wistfully into the distance. If asked why will only say, “Dakota.”
- Is going to be the subject of just a tremendous number of lawsuits once he figures out what AirBnB is all about.
- Likes to say he speaks three languages: English, American and a dialect that ends in “ingus”.
- Is currently making a t-shirt that reads “Ask me about my basket of deplorables.”
- Plays bass in an all doctor cover band called The Rockin’ Docs. Setlist includes “For those about to Doc” and “Keep on Doc’in in the Free World.”
- Originally wanted to call the band “Midwife Crisis” but was vetoed by Dr. Goldstein. Drummers man…
- Currently working on getting “Doc Lobster” juuuuust right
- Ends every set pointing at the hottest girl singing “We will, we will Doc you”
- Says “The doctor is in” and chuckles to himself during every colonoscopy.
- Was asked, as a professional, to perform a paternity test for the Maury Povich show… he was the father.
- Answers the question, “Do you have any children?” with “Not that YOU know of.”
- Has had numerous arguments due to his claim that a king-size bed does, indeed, sleep four.
- Five if he’s in Thailand
- Claims to have invented the joke, “why is divorce so expensive? Because it’s worth it.” Says so at every wedding he goes to.
- His third wife was a lawyer. He won’t make the mistake again.
- He has a special ringtone for his reefer smoking buddy at the marina. It’s “Smuggler’s Blues” by Glenn Frey.
- Makes sure all his patients rub his belly for good luck and then immediately says “lower…. lower….”
- Is currently calling every news agency to offer “his medical opinion” on Hillary’s health. Waits on hold an average of 45 minutes before hanging up.
- Has diagnosed Hillary as suffering from a combination of the vapors, consumption, and having a visit from her Aunt Flo. Recommends trepanation, twice a day, until better. Has already billed the campaign.
- Refuses to use the speed dial function on the office phone
- Despite ALL of the yellow tabs on his phone, mostly programmed to call talk radio shows.
- Has the office manager print out all of his emails so he can review them and dictate responses first thing in the morning. Turnover rate has increased significantly since he discovered Breitbart.
- Tells reporters that Trump is immune to pneumonia because his lungs are “astonishingly excellent”.
- Still doesn’t regret the YOLO tattoo he has on his fingers.
- Contends the L stands for Lick. Refuses to explain what that even means. “If you don’t know, you don’t know.”
- Every time a patient enters the MRI machine, he slows the patient down on the exam bed and utters a quiet “Ooooh yeah. Just like that.”
- Asks for the McRib every time he goes to McDonalds. It hasn’t been available for 22 years
- When they tell him the McRib isn’t available, he asks for the McDLT
- And yells, “The commercial says I can have it MY way.” That was Burger King…20 years ago.
- Poops by squatting on the toilet seat ever since his time in SE Asia but doesn’t bother to wipe off his footprints and has to tell everyone how much more “productive his bowel movements are” whether you want to hear it or not.
- Asks nurses if they wash their scrub pants in Windex, because he can see himself in them
- Schedules Staff Meetings for 4:30 on Fridays. Staff is just himself and the Office Manager, who he knows has to pick up her kids by 5:00. Agenda is always the same: Fix Y2K problem.
- Currently calling and hanging up on Dr. Oz. Repeatedly.
- Swears he has a tape of the MASH episode where it’s revealed that the B.J. in B.J. Honeycutt stands for Blow Job.
- Loves to wax poetic about the ‘Cabo Wabo Lifestyle’ when his peers share stories about their grandchildren.
- Proudly shows “Hang ten” tattoo on his hip when telling the story. Doesn’t surf.
- All day has been trying to figure out how to work into regular conversation the phrase “dicking bimbos.” Has stopped several said conversations dead in their tracks.
- Tells people he’s “in the running” for Surgeon General. He’s not.
- Rejected by “Doctors Without Borders.” Accepted by “Doctors Without Diplomas.”
- Is pretty sure he can “take” Dr. Oz
- Takes credit for coming up with “FBI: Female Body Inspector” t-shirts.
- Wears ‘Members Only” scrubs. Is not a member.
- Crank calls his own office to schedule appointments for Mike Hunt and Phil Latio.
- Still buys ringtones.
- Describes his poops as “Type 3: Sausage shaped, but with cracks on surface”. Probably needs to drink a little more water.
- …at dinner.
- Banned from four yoga studios for claiming to be a “spotter.”
- Tried to write-off the Sebring as an Art Car. Drove it all the way to Burning Man just to learn there were no bungalows.
- Tells older women that he’s a widow for the casseroles but he is checking out their daughters to date. Btw, his second wife died 16 years after she divorced him for shagging a waitress at Hooters and hadn’t spoken to him since.
- Talks about his laserdisc collection like it’s the next vinyl revival.
Let’s keep it going. Add your own in the comments.
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