PO Box 118185 Chicago, IL 60611
To: Jake Brown
From: Derek Phillips
Re: the Loftus Situation
Old Man,
Seems we have a problem. We’d been discussing getting Loftus out of Chicago for a while, at least since that whole fiasco with Corgan at the Hideout, and Johnny’s insistence that prat falls are a real talent. It’s obvious we need to get him out of here.
I did some snooping around and found that we cannot send him to Sweden to tour with Sahara Hotnights as he requested. First of all, I’m sure you remember the fucking bill we got from the Days Inn when we sent him to Detroit to cover the Electronic Music thing. Another gig like that will break the bank and send you and me back to shucking Amy Grant CDs at the Music Land in Grand Rapids. I don’t know about you but I can NOT do that. That’s Bush country and I have had enough ass kickings for a while.
Second, his “history” (see attached memo regarding the Mann Act and supporting documents) has made Herr Loftus ineligible for a work visa anywhere in the EU. Now, I know you heard the whole story a dozen times, but I was there and even I swear that chick was at least 17. Her mother didn’t object at the time but then the greasy fucks with the bad mustaches and dirty glasses arrived with subpoenas and you know the rest…
Anyhow, the long-short of it is I think we can set him up at a relatively safe house in Detroit for a while. I know a guy who looks just like the actor Chris Klein (you loved him in Here on Earth with Leelee Sobieski, remember?) and that seems to get him a lot slack—among other things, heh heh—in Detroit. He’s also a fan of Oasis, which you know keeps Loftus talking for hours. Though the Detroit Scene is well played out, Loftus could finally dig up that shit we’ve been talking about on Jack White and a certain developmentally challenged lady friend. Plus, it might get those punks in the Henchmen off our backs for a bit if we send the old boy to a few of their shows with a bag of dope and a few t-shirts.
As such, we should send him off in style. I’m thinking a little something with lots of booze, cheap sluts, and Flavor Flav. I’ve talked to Flav’s people and he’s free that weekend (and at a surprisingly reasonable price, to boot). Also, the Metro had a last minute cancellation of the Get Up Kids and can get us the night mucho cheap. This time we’ll make sure Nash Kato is NOT invited. I don’t know where that guy gets off talking to Mac like that…
See attached budget for the send-off and Johnny’s moving expenses. We’ll need sign-off pretty fast to secure the venue.
DP
CC: SM, PLP, JTL, JS, KE, ODB
PO Box 118185 Chicago, IL 60611
To: Derek Phillips
From: Jake Brown
RE: Loftus Party
Phil,
Ain’t happening. I got a MINI on the way and something’s got to give. Get Johnny a bus ticket (one way) to Detroit and give him a sandwich and maybe some Maker’s Mark (get a receipt this time!).
Also, nix the Metro and Flav. If need be, I can always dress like Flav. Loftus won’t know the difference after a few White Russians.
I’ll pony up a few bucks for Lilly’s on Lincoln Ave. I know the owner and she owes me big time (re: handling the riff raff on St. Patrick’s Day, etc.). Also, see if Riviera and Quasar Wut-Wut are available. I hear they have legal bills and could use the scratch.
Keep the girls, but cancel booze unless we can get a massive discount. In fact, just cancel the booze (and remind me to shut off Johnny’s account at the White Hen!!!)
That’s it.
Jake
No, it’s true. Our own beloved Johnny Loftus is leaving the home base and venturing east to GLONO’s Detroit office. Before he leaves Chicago though, on Saturday, January 25, 2003, we’re going to take him to Lilly’s to get him very drunk (it’s not that hard) and make him do all his comedy routines (that’s even less hard). Since we’ve seen all his bits at least a million times, we’ve also asked Riviera and Quasar Wut-Wut to play some rock and roll to mix things up and to keep us from crying in our beers.
If you haven’t heard Riviera or Quasar Wut-Wut, you really should. They’re both great, underappreciated Chicago rock and roll outfits. If you haven’t been to Lilly’s, you gotta see that too. It’s a fantastic stucco dive in the heart of Lincoln Park. Its second-floor balcony is perfect for heckling the band downstairs. There’s even a big red shoe (ask to see it). But don’t order a Bloody Mary there as they’ve been known to contain placenta, no shit.
I’m coming to this show and I’ll bring alond all my fellow flight attendants from Sweden. We need to get off, er, send off Johnny in fine Nordic Style!
xoxoxo, Svenya, Petra, Kiki, and Lana
Johnny Rock, leaving town….just when I was about to get him into old Van Halen, DLR style! Plus, we were supposed to go check out a WWE Wrestling event live. Damn you, damn you to hell! I just might have to show up and bring my Battleflag.
That is the funniest fucking thing I’ve ever seen on Glono. One day when the Glono book finally comes out, I’d like to see those memos prominently featured. Hi-larious!
One would do well to beware of sleeveless men.