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Number One Records: Despacito

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Okay now this is getting ridiculous. My dumb new column is starting to turn Glorious Noise into a Top 40 blog. This was never supposed to happen. In fact, this is the first time since 1990 that we’ve had four new number one records in four weeks.

Audio: Luis Fonsi and Daddy Yankee – “Despacito” (Remix) ft. Justin Bieber

In some ways I find it hard to believe that these are really the most popular songs in the country right now. But I guess that just shows how out of touch with the mainstream I am. Billboard reports “Despacito” has received 54.3 million U.S. streams and 104,000 downloads in the week ending May 11, and had a radio audience of 57 million in the week ending May 14. So that’s a lot, right?

I dig the Spanish guitar. But Bieber’s autotuned vocals are annoyingly whiny as ever. The original version without Biebs is way better. The rest of America apparently doesn’t agree since the remix accounts for 73% of the song’s sales. Oh well.

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Shorties

Number One Records: I’m the One

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Video: DJ Khaled – “I’m the One” ft. Justin Bieber, Quavo, Chance the Rapper, Lil Wayne

Okay I’ll admit when I started this “Number One Records” series I didn’t expect to be writing a new update every damn week. I mean, looking over the past couple years of number ones, there were only about a dozen per year. But this is the third week in a row with a brand new song at the top of the chart.

Whatever. Buy the ticket, take the ride.

I’ve never heard of DJ Khaled, but I like the idea that he wants to “celebrate life, success, and our blessings.” That’s a positive message, right? Khaled’s blessings apparently include half-naked ladies on horseback, product placement deals with Beats earbuds, and a roster of pals that include Justin Bieber and one of the guys from Migos. #blessed

No surprise, Chance’s verse is the best thing this song has going for it. Hip hop is weird in 2017. How can anybody take themselves seriously if they’re hanging out with Biebs? Maybe he’s a swell fellow. But I don’t know, man. I mean, honestly. Look at that hair.

Billboard points out that “I’m the One” is only the 28th song to debut at No. 1 on the Hot 100. It was released April 28 and received 53.9 million U.S. streams and 171,000 downloads sold in the week ending May 4. On the radio it chalked up “35 million in all-format airplay audience in the week ending May 7.” And it’s the 1,064th No. 1 in the history of the Hot 100.

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