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quasarwutwut
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Dear The Message Board,

Postby quasarwutwut » Fri Apr 17, 2009 6:25 pm

Please help!

I'm a new father who is worried his sons might not grow up to be rock musicians. My oldest is 2 and has yet to be able to play the guitar. Other instruments he cannot play include the keys, drums, bass, horns and giant gongs. He also has a hard time singing on key and can barely remember the words to most classic rock albums.

He has expressed an interest in playing outdoors and likes going to the grocery store and pretending to cook. He also prefers reading over the TV.

So far his mother and I have tried taking away his toys, his various rubber balls, and sunshine. We have of course kept him on the bottle and are trying to get him to learn how to start fires, but no dice yet.

I'm getting worried The Message Board! What do I need to do?

- Desperate in Chicago

jonas
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Postby jonas » Fri Apr 17, 2009 6:31 pm

Dear qww,

Forbid them to ever listen to or play rock and roll. In about 10 years things will be just fine, I promise.

Little Timmy
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Postby Little Timmy » Sat Apr 18, 2009 5:35 am

What about COWBELLS!!!!!!!!!!

Mixmaster Shecky
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Postby Mixmaster Shecky » Sat Apr 18, 2009 12:45 pm

Dear QWW,

This is actually a serious problem, one faced by parents across the country. A recent USA Today poll suggested that not only are most toddlers unable to play the guitar (or even the bass!), but fewer than 1% can even identify any recent bands. Worse, less than 2% know who Angus Young is! This is a startling, and disheartening, reflection on today's youth. Luckily, there is hope.

President Obama has released a massive aid package to combat this problem. Starting June 1st (School's Out), you can bring your misguided progeny to any number of state-run reeducation facilities that will snap them into line in just 3 weeks.

When your child emerges from the program, he or she will have an extensive knowledge of rock and roll from Muddy Waters to Mastadon. Before long, they'll be starting their own blogs to bash Weezer's long slide into mediocrity.

How does this reeducation process work? It involves some minor surgery and long hours of intense programming. In the end, best not to think about it. The results are all that matters!

Parents will also receive additional funds to clothe their children with child-sized reproductions of famous concert tees. Currently the only choices are Flying Burrito Brothers ('72) and Big Head Todd and the Monsters ('91). But plans are already underway to expand these options.

Hang in there, QWW! We're from the government and we're here to help!

Sugarcubes Forever
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Postby Sugarcubes Forever » Sun Apr 19, 2009 8:25 pm

Spare the rod, spoil the child.

Hit those little fuckers till they do what you want them to do!

Jake
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Postby Jake » Mon Apr 20, 2009 10:05 am

That's what we do, and my kid already sounds like Yngwie Malmsteen.

steve-o
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Postby steve-o » Mon Apr 20, 2009 11:20 am

jonas wrote:Dear qww,

Forbid them to ever listen to or play rock and roll. In about 10 years things will be just fine, I promise.


Agreed. Whatever you do, don't give them any indication that you approve of rock music. As soon as they figure out that dad thinks rock and roll is "cool" it's done.

Better plan on spending the next ten years listening to Lawrence Welk and showtunes.

D. Phillips
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Postby D. Phillips » Mon Apr 20, 2009 11:44 am

Believe me, QWW doesn't need any encouragement to listen to more show tunes.

Huzzah!

quasarwutwut
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Postby quasarwutwut » Mon Apr 20, 2009 2:13 pm

D. Phillips wrote:Believe me, QWW doesn't need any encouragement to listen to more show tunes.

Huzzah!

Maybe if you took a few moments to prance in My paws, you wouldn't be so flippant about my musical taste. Go ahead, stare at this photo and tell me it doesn't stir your soul and make you want to SING!
Image

Also I appreciate all of your advice. So far I have told my kid that he'll be listening to opera from now on and then I hit him in the face with a tree. I trust you guys; I'm sure this will start to show results very quickly.


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