The Worst Christmas Album Ever Made

Rated X Mas2007 marks the 10th anniversary of the worst Christmas album ever made. You’re probably thinking “That’s a pretty bold statement” but trust me, if you’ve ever heard Matt Rogers’ Rated X Mas album, you’d agree that there isn’t a single Christmas album in the history of recorded music as bad as this one.

Before you actively start looking for Rated X Mas, you need to understand that you can no longer get it. On December 22, 2000, the distributor of the album agreed to settle a copyright infringement action by destroying all remaining copies of it and banning any future sales of the album. You could probably find a copy on Ebay, but why would you want to? The only shame greater than owning Rated X Mas is paying dime for it, particularly under the guise that it’s somehow a collectors item.

With a running time of less than twenty minutes, Rated X Mas is eight songs of pornographic nonsense that’s completely unnecessary. It speaks volumes towards what has gone wrong with the holidays as it selfishly serves the pocketbook of the album’s creators who haphazardly toss around the idea that Rated X Mas is nothing more than a comedic parody effort.

The eyes of the law disagreed with that argument, and my complaint with the album has nothing to do with whether it’s a work of parody or not. My major complaint is how Rated X Mas is based entirely on the notion that someone, a real-life person with a working brain, considered all possibilities of making money and chose to pursue one that replaces the words of Christmas classics with moronic sex fantasies.

The “brain” here is Matt Rogers, who promises on the album’s cover “Christmas songs NOT for the entire family!!!” It should have read “Christmas songs NOT fit for human consumption.” The music sounds like it was created with a commercially available keyboard pre-programmed with songs like “Santa Claus Is Coming To Town” and “Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer.” Armed with his Casio, Rogers’ shtick consists of changing the lyrics of these well-known Christmas tunes into raunchy and stupid renditions. At the risk of sounding like a prude, let me declare that even the most socially inept 14-year old that masturbates four times a day would not consider these renditions clever or funny. Anyone else would probably react as I did upon first listen: with a violent fervor that feels the court ruling was too lenient and that Mr. Rogers deserved a harsher sentence than the one handed down.

“Rudolph” is changed into “Rudolph The Deep Throat Reindeer,” where the familiar red-nosed reindeer manages to make the other reindeer jealous because he gives Santa blowjobs and allows him to have anal sex with him. And what’s turned Santa into a zoophile? The only explanation given is because Ms. Claus “is on the rag.” The song is complete with the sound effects of these acts with the role of Rudolph being played by the most juvenile homosexual stereotype imaginable. The rest of the song’s verses are sung by an uncredited female who also makes an appearance on “Frosty The Pervert” and “Drunken Santa’s Coming To Town.”

The pinnacle of the disc is “Suck On My Cock,” sung to the melody of “Jingle Bell Rock.” It provides the listener with detailed instructions on how to properly give a blowjob (“Start licking and slurping / My dick will get firm / Soon you’ll be tasting sperm”). The strange thing is, when you get to the line “don’t go ripping out my pubic hair,” you begin to wonder if Mr. Rogers has ever even received a blowjob himself. In all of my years of oral sex, I never experienced an incident where my pubic hair was pulled out during the act.

Equally troubling is “I Love To Choke My Chicken With My Hand” (sung to “Winter Wonderland”) where Rogers’ admires his ejaculate and then starts, literally, screaming about how his sister offered to blow him if he reciprocates. He continues to rant about how he can jerk off with both hands and how he wants to masturbate continuously.

So how did I come into possession of such an unwanted Christmas artifact? Radio stations received promotional copies of this disc, which is itself a completely stupid move as none of the songs could even be aired on terrestrial radio due to the lyrics.

Nonetheless, a friend of mine who worked for a station that received a few copies was so enraged at the material that he played it for me. On every song, he angrily shouted “It’s Christmas!” while I sat in silent amazement that society had reached a low point where no one intervened during the manufacturing process to put a stop to this nonsense.

I asked him if he could get me a copy.

It was a year or two later when I read that Matt Rogers’ had gotten into a bit of trouble with Rated X Mas. He and the production team responsible for the album apparently neglected to secure the rights to the songs they were raping and, as a result, the songwriters of some of the best-known Christmas classics were not happy. The motivation behind their complaint was surely for economic reasons, but I’m equally positive that the reason for such a quick settlement was because Matt Rogers and his production company, Party On Parody Productions, knew that their actions were morally reprehensible. How does one adequately defend themselves against a song like “I Saw Mommy Fucking Santa Claus?”

And really, how do I defend myself for retaining a copy of Rated X Mas? I can’t really; I can only offer a suggestion at how I keep it as a reminder that there is something worse than Jingle CatsMeowy Christmas or Kenny G’s Miracles: The Holiday Album.

Thankfully, even if that’s a hard thing to believe, at least the legal system has taken the necessary steps to prevent you from finding out this fact on your own.

The Smoking Gun has the court documents (including lyrics).

MP3: Matt Rogers – “I Love to Choke My Chicken with My Hand” (courtesy of Just fucking Google it…)

23 thoughts on “The Worst Christmas Album Ever Made”

  1. I know exactly what you mean and I told you so. It’s so bad that I debated even submitting this piece to Glorious Noise and, to be honest, am quite shocked that they’ve provided a link to one of the songs from it. This article was meant as a cautionary tale, to some extent, yet every Christmas I bring it out and play it. Then, I get angry and put it away for another year.

    Using a normal person as a reference (my wife), I’ve tested this album on her. The reaction she had is one that everyone should have:

    “This isn’t even funny…”

    She then walks away while saying: “Why would you even have that?”

    It’s very clear that she’s a better person than me.

  2. Todd, of course we had to dig up an mp3… We couldn’t unleash an article like this onto the world without offering the readers a little taste. I know that my editorial reaction when I first read it was, Dude, it can’t be that bad. But oh yes, it can…and it is.

    By the way, there’s a 28-song version of this floating around the web. Which is preposterous since even one song is too many. I couldn’t make it through the whole track. I got to the part where he’s screaming at his sister and shut it off. And then uploaded it.

    I have to admit, though, that I’ve been singing the chorus ever since I read the title of it in your piece. The music publishers were correct: I’ll never be able to hear “Walking in a Winter Wonderland” again without thinking, “I love to choke my chicken with my hand…”

    Which is kinda funny in theory, in my juvenile opinion. But the execution is unbelievably terrible!

    Someone needs to write a halfway-decent song called “I Love to Choke My Chicken with My Hand” because it’s a great title that deserves a listenable song to go along with it.

  3. When I was 16 I had a job washing dishes. One’s mind tends to come up with ways to keep itself occupied while standing in front of a steaming sink all day, and my mind chose to create all manner of foul and disgusting replacement lyrics to the songs stored in it. These improvised abominations never made it to my lips much less to paper, then on to tape. If Mr. Rogers had only possessed such restraint the world would probably be a little better off…

  4. It could be said that this album is a social commentary on just how sickening the commercialization of Christmas has become.

    Rogers cuts right through all the crap and says. “You want to take every holiday classic and turn it into a commercial jingle so the rich can get richer? I’ll go you one further. I’ll show you materialistic jerks just how disgusting the exploitation of Christmas has become.”

    It should be pointed out in Rogers’ defense that he did not parody any holy or religious songs. Now that I’m a father women always say to me. “Wow Christmas will be really special for you this year.” Nooooo,,,Christmas is special for you so you can run up your credit card spending hours at the mall shopping to grease the materialistic wheels of the big corporate machine. Every day is Christmas with my son on my lap and the two of us making fart noises back and forth.. Making fart noises is free and it doesn’t make ruthless people rich who pay poor bastards an insulting wage to manufacture products that are built to break. The fac that I’m now a father may be the reason that this year more than ever I’m repulsed by the consumerism of Christmas.

    I think Roger’s indictment of these secular songs through parody sums up the bitter taste that I have in my mouth about how Christmas is being exploited for the gain of the evil wealthy.

  5. I agree with many of your points, but I think you’re giving too much credit here. On the back cover of the disc, in big type reads “Copyright subsists in this recording….blah blah blah” meaning that Rogers felt it was ok to rape a few Christmas classic, religious or not, while clearly intending not to pay a dime or get permission from the original songwriters. Then he has the nerve to warn others “Don’t steal my shit.” What I’m getting at is that he isn’t trying to make a statement with this album. He’s guilty, and on a much higher level, of everything that you described as being wrong with Christmas. He was just too retarded to understand that by raking the holidays through the gutter tends to get a lot of attention while the cocksuckers that hide behind the notion they’re still reflecting the holiday spirit (I’m looking at you, Chip Davis) continue to get away with their own brand of crass consumerism. It ain’t fair, but it doesn’t make Matt Rogers a folk hero for taking it to an all time low.

  6. I admit I was sort of just being weird to get a reaction. However I’m glad you saw my underlying point

    about the cocksuckers who hide behind the spirit of Christmas being as bad if not worse. I’ve been going into these overly dramatic up on my pedestal speeches at holday gatherings about the true meaning of Christmas.

    Nobody gets the joke. The Bride of Sven said everybody just looked at rhe ground last night when I began yelling, “How do I look my son in the eye and tell him about the birth of Christ with all this exploitation and consumerism in society.”

    I think a lot of people wish I was still drinking.

  7. I think that matt rogers has a wild imagination and didn’t mean any harm by recording this album personally I think it was quite ammusing and I think that anybody who disagrees with what I have said should suck on my cock

  8. I am not very old, and I heard about this album, but I’m too young for the explicit lyrics. Where can I find a clean version?

  9. I myself find the “suck my cock” song hilarious and I’m going to use it as my ringtone. It’s such a compressed piece of parody you haven’t stopped laughing before the next funny lyric appears. Also funny is the use of the EXACT pronounciation of the originals, which fits perfectly to the dirty words being expressed even more harsh.

    Maybe my oppinion has to do with the fact that I’m liberal and atheist ?

  10. Americans have no sense of humor. If this song came out in Europe, nobody will give a damn, except perhaps the holders of the copyright of the original songs, who of course, will want a big chunk of the income generated from this album. When I heard Suck on My Cock the first time, I was literally ROFL.

    Face the truth, American prudes, sucking cocks has become an everyday activity and as common as brushing one’s teeth, even in your country. Just look at the numbers of porno sites in the web, just from America alone. Need I say more ?

  11. WTF you need to stop being bonerheads (guessing from the shit you say you sound like feminist dykes) and also i prefer his songs than the actual shit his preferring if that’s what you are trying to protect

    PEACE, ‘lol bonerheads’ OUT

  12. Let’s put up the whole album for free, knowing that it’s not in stores anymore. And so people who partially believe this review don’t end up throwing away the disk, or the money.

    1. Sounds like a bunch of tight assed bitches need something to complain about…Dirty X’Mas songs are hilarious. “If u don’t want to here about FROSTY slinging his sleet all over the street” just don’t listen to it…Either get a sence of humor or just don’t listen…Maybe u should put a finger in your ass so you can losen up a bit…wow anything stupid assed bitches can complain about u do…Stupid assed bitches goes for both male and female…I wouldn’t want to get sued for discrimination lol… Have a great christmas everyone and for you tight assed bitches maybe suck on a few cocks, jerk a couple snowmen off and tell me you can,t make a song of it…

  13. I remember in the 2000s I was just kid my dad used keep shit ton of dirty albums I believe this is the greatest album ever everyone is just so bitchy about this..don’t like it don’t play it. Suck on my cock was the best fucking thing ever..

  14. Around the holidays, me and my bro head up to Alaska for some whisky and wild game hunting. This record gets us pumped for the holidays and we’re ready to hit the stores after we’ve taken out some big dumb animals. The fact that this loser reviewer can’t figure out what’s good humor is sad.

  15. 2017 marks the 20th Anniversary of this album, and the 10th Anniversary of a review evermore hostile than the album it’s criticizing. Society reached a low point with this review. The album is selling probably close to 1000% on eBay, so it’s pretty much a collector’s item. The quick settlement was likely a copyright checkmate, not any sort of shame for trying to make people laugh.
    When reading through this review, I kept saying to myself the same thing I hear anyone trying to overthink and outwit a comedian: “It’s just a joke.”

    Trying to dictate what is or isn’t funny does more harm than an album like this ever could. Oftentimes, it’s the result of someone projecting their creative failures on something they think they could do better at, but they instead waste their time criticizing when they could be walking-the-walk.

    “Suck on my Cock” and “Rudolph the Deep Throat Reindeer” have been in my Christmas playlist for years. While I don’t own a hardcopy of the album, I’ve listened to it in its entirely; and, yeah, some songs are definitely weaker than others, but if you can’t take the jokes at face-value, you have the problem. You’re entitled to your own opinion, but dissecting something that’s supposed to be skin-deep makes you an idiot.

    Reviewers like this are just as bad as a heckler at a comedy show.

Leave a Reply